Painted this pot...wanted to paint one for a real long time. Finally got the opportunity today, thanks to Bandh. It's turned out real well. Happy happy! :)
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Monday, February 11, 2013
Pati meherbaan
"pati meherbaan to biwi shaitaan"
Well, my husband is in quite a good mood these days. He has been struggling with a high-intensity release project and has been quite busy since past one month. As obvious, I have been taking care of Anay alone, and handling everything else. His company has also been happy and given him some bonuses.
So, to make up for the month, or to show his happiness, he's been on a spending spree 'on me' :D
Well, it's not like I didn't need these things and he got me, but well, I didn't need such expensive ones. At least, I wasn't expecting it.
Ha! It's getting too much for me to digest you can say. :)
So, i get a phone - Samsung Galaxy S3.
And a new watch - Swatch
:) :) :)
Hope you understood the caption now! ;)
Well, my husband is in quite a good mood these days. He has been struggling with a high-intensity release project and has been quite busy since past one month. As obvious, I have been taking care of Anay alone, and handling everything else. His company has also been happy and given him some bonuses.
So, to make up for the month, or to show his happiness, he's been on a spending spree 'on me' :D
Well, it's not like I didn't need these things and he got me, but well, I didn't need such expensive ones. At least, I wasn't expecting it.
Ha! It's getting too much for me to digest you can say. :)
So, i get a phone - Samsung Galaxy S3.
And a new watch - Swatch
:) :) :)
Hope you understood the caption now! ;)
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Growing old
As time is ticking and days pass on, I feel the life slipping on. Actually, I feel like the life has already ended. What do you call life? Just breathing and living on doesn't mean life. Not at this age at least. Life means Dreams, Aspirations, Hopes. Isn't it?
When we were young, there were so many things to look forward to. There would be our annual exams to ace at, there would be the cultural fest coming up, even an inter-school competition.
The dreams of finding that special someone and living rosy-dreams with him. Then the aspirations of becoming a successful person professionally.
Choosing the profession, which changes every week... when the best friend comes up with something new.
Life is full of so many things to look forward to. That's what we knew life to be. Living the 'life'.
But now, we're grown ups. We have a job, we've a family, we've homes, our partners are chosen.
No more dreaming of jobs, no more dreaming of best looking men, no more interest in that sexy, sleezy outfit Kareena is wearing in her new movie.
You know where you stand. You know what you are. You know where you will be even 20 years down the lane.
How could it have been any different? I think the death of it all occurs when you get married.
Ya! I know I've got a great spouse as a partner. And not everyone is lucky in that department. So rather than blaming him, I should be blaming anything else. But the fact is that it is this very marriage, as created by our society which kills, slowly and brutally, everything in life. It's not the fault of the people involved in it. It's just the society and its working.
Does that mean all hope is lost for me? I have nothing to look forward to in my life?
Well, I'm hoping to take some inspiration from her. (http://www.30before30project.com/p/come-along-for-ride.html)
Re-quoting her words "growing older doesn’t have to be dreadful if you live every year like it’s your last."
When we were young, there were so many things to look forward to. There would be our annual exams to ace at, there would be the cultural fest coming up, even an inter-school competition.
The dreams of finding that special someone and living rosy-dreams with him. Then the aspirations of becoming a successful person professionally.
Choosing the profession, which changes every week... when the best friend comes up with something new.
Life is full of so many things to look forward to. That's what we knew life to be. Living the 'life'.
But now, we're grown ups. We have a job, we've a family, we've homes, our partners are chosen.
No more dreaming of jobs, no more dreaming of best looking men, no more interest in that sexy, sleezy outfit Kareena is wearing in her new movie.
You know where you stand. You know what you are. You know where you will be even 20 years down the lane.
How could it have been any different? I think the death of it all occurs when you get married.
Ya! I know I've got a great spouse as a partner. And not everyone is lucky in that department. So rather than blaming him, I should be blaming anything else. But the fact is that it is this very marriage, as created by our society which kills, slowly and brutally, everything in life. It's not the fault of the people involved in it. It's just the society and its working.
Does that mean all hope is lost for me? I have nothing to look forward to in my life?
Well, I'm hoping to take some inspiration from her. (http://www.30before30project.com/p/come-along-for-ride.html)
Re-quoting her words "growing older doesn’t have to be dreadful if you live every year like it’s your last."
Monday, January 21, 2013
Destiny
Yeh Destiny, Fate, God's will....badi hi kutti cheez hoti hai.
It's nothing else but God's way of showing his up-man-ship. Of cutting you to size. Of telling you your real place. Of your 'aukaat'. Of the fact that you have no say on your life, on yourself, but he's the one who rules.
Fuck Off!
It's nothing else but God's way of showing his up-man-ship. Of cutting you to size. Of telling you your real place. Of your 'aukaat'. Of the fact that you have no say on your life, on yourself, but he's the one who rules.
Fuck Off!
Friday, January 18, 2013
Moh
kiska moh kare tu bande, kaun hai tera kaun paraya...
I sometime feel so distant and so aloof to the world and its ways. Everybody and their emotions look so fake.
Back in 2009, when I had decided to accept the world as it is and not go by my own understanding of it, I had decided to follow its rules. From a person who flouted and questioned all the rules, I became a follower. I had decided to find reason in those rules, in those methods, in the basic functioning of the world.
I did find sense. A lot of sense. But, I also found a lot of crap.
I had always been a believer of earthy relations more than blood relations. I always felt that if you have good friends then they become better relations to have, and look out for in times of crisis, than any of your blood relations. After the phoenix, I started giving them a try. I tried to basically make friends 'from' my relations, rather than searching out. What was the result? Well, most of the times it seems forced to me. With some, I don't connect on a mental level. With some, it seems our areas of interest don't match so we're always interested and talking on different subject. More than anything, when the time comes when you need someone for support - mental and emotional, you have 'nobody' to go to. Why? Because you know that talking to one means talking to a full house. Because it seems like your story is more of a tea-time gossip to them than something to empathize for. They are discussing on it and sending their condolences to you every time you meet them. Rather than helping you heal from the failure/grief/problem, they become your periodic time check of the same.
And this thing goes in much deeper. It just doesn't end till cousins, sisters, SIL/BIL etc, it creeps into your most innate relations. The formality and the society way-of-living gets into the relations which were supposed to be your 'family'. And, I don't think it's a problem only women face after marriage, I've seen it come to Tarun too. I only feel more sorry for the boys because they are living with their parents and the equations between them change. For the women, at least there's a major change, a gap which helps you understand. For them, it's all hurt - all through. Looking at the complex working of society, I feel quite drawn to the West. I know, grass is greener on the other side, and all that, but still, can't help compare.
In these testing times, I try to find someone to talk to. I've talked enough to Tarun and I know his view point and that doesn't seem to be helping. I want to talk to someone else. Just anyone else. I tried talking to Mum but even she's more interested in telling me about her friend's daughter's wedding and all-that. I tried talking to Dad, he tries to listen, but he can't help. He rather puts more burden on you by reminding you of how important it is to keep the job.
I know I can talk to my MIL for this. She is definitely one Mother everyone should have. But, I don't want to burden her with my miseries. She'll get troubled. And... I don't know what to say either. It's a big mess now. All a big mess and no light to see at the end of the tunnel. She would easily say that quit and come back. But, that's not what I want. I want my job. I want to keep working. And, I want to be peaceful.
I sometime feel so distant and so aloof to the world and its ways. Everybody and their emotions look so fake.
Back in 2009, when I had decided to accept the world as it is and not go by my own understanding of it, I had decided to follow its rules. From a person who flouted and questioned all the rules, I became a follower. I had decided to find reason in those rules, in those methods, in the basic functioning of the world.
I did find sense. A lot of sense. But, I also found a lot of crap.
I had always been a believer of earthy relations more than blood relations. I always felt that if you have good friends then they become better relations to have, and look out for in times of crisis, than any of your blood relations. After the phoenix, I started giving them a try. I tried to basically make friends 'from' my relations, rather than searching out. What was the result? Well, most of the times it seems forced to me. With some, I don't connect on a mental level. With some, it seems our areas of interest don't match so we're always interested and talking on different subject. More than anything, when the time comes when you need someone for support - mental and emotional, you have 'nobody' to go to. Why? Because you know that talking to one means talking to a full house. Because it seems like your story is more of a tea-time gossip to them than something to empathize for. They are discussing on it and sending their condolences to you every time you meet them. Rather than helping you heal from the failure/grief/problem, they become your periodic time check of the same.
And this thing goes in much deeper. It just doesn't end till cousins, sisters, SIL/BIL etc, it creeps into your most innate relations. The formality and the society way-of-living gets into the relations which were supposed to be your 'family'. And, I don't think it's a problem only women face after marriage, I've seen it come to Tarun too. I only feel more sorry for the boys because they are living with their parents and the equations between them change. For the women, at least there's a major change, a gap which helps you understand. For them, it's all hurt - all through. Looking at the complex working of society, I feel quite drawn to the West. I know, grass is greener on the other side, and all that, but still, can't help compare.
In these testing times, I try to find someone to talk to. I've talked enough to Tarun and I know his view point and that doesn't seem to be helping. I want to talk to someone else. Just anyone else. I tried talking to Mum but even she's more interested in telling me about her friend's daughter's wedding and all-that. I tried talking to Dad, he tries to listen, but he can't help. He rather puts more burden on you by reminding you of how important it is to keep the job.
I know I can talk to my MIL for this. She is definitely one Mother everyone should have. But, I don't want to burden her with my miseries. She'll get troubled. And... I don't know what to say either. It's a big mess now. All a big mess and no light to see at the end of the tunnel. She would easily say that quit and come back. But, that's not what I want. I want my job. I want to keep working. And, I want to be peaceful.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
The screwed up end of 2012
This was the most uncertain and unplanned trip of my life. Due to office commitments, we were not sure of how many days of leaves I would have. And, hence, we had not booked our hotels or anything anywhere. You wouldn't believe but even our places to visit were unsure. We were deciding on them after starting from Bangalore. :P
Well, of course, there was some idea we had. We knew some places which were must visit and some which can be visited if time permits. So, the hiatus started as follows. :)
On 20th Dec, my shut-down holidays started. On 19th, as per our meeting, it was decided that if anything turns up from the client side, we would be all back in Bangalore in 1-day notice. Since none of us were planning any long distance travel, it was possible. My in-laws were supposed to come on 20th evening. It was all going crazy. I had 2 external interviews scheduled for 19th evening, clashing at 8.00 PM and I had no clue. At 8.00 PM, I was waiting for the call but none turns up. And, later I get the apology calls from 2 vendors. :P Well, not a big deal because I was planning to give the interview just for the sake of experience and was not planning to join any. Anyway, another interview was scheduled for 20th morning at 11.00 AM. The interview went fine and he wanted to have an F2F. Because of the in-laws coming, I arranged to meet them up that very day. Oh man! It was all crazy. Rushing at the last minute. And, guess what, when I reach there for the 2 o'clock interview, I'm told that the interviewers are gone for lunch and will be back in 45 minutes. WTF! I wait. At 3.00 I start again, not interested to wait any longer. And, as soon as I take the auto, I get a call from them that we're back, please come. Screw you!
Anyway, the interview went fine. It was good. I learnt quite new things. The interviewer were knowledgeable and that's the best you can get out of an interview. I return home by 5.00, totally exhausted. And, then I have to get working for the lavish dinner and the general look of the house. (My in-laws are coming to Bangalore, everything has to be perfect, you see!!) Life cannot get screwed more.
Well, of course, there was some idea we had. We knew some places which were must visit and some which can be visited if time permits. So, the hiatus started as follows. :)
On 20th Dec, my shut-down holidays started. On 19th, as per our meeting, it was decided that if anything turns up from the client side, we would be all back in Bangalore in 1-day notice. Since none of us were planning any long distance travel, it was possible. My in-laws were supposed to come on 20th evening. It was all going crazy. I had 2 external interviews scheduled for 19th evening, clashing at 8.00 PM and I had no clue. At 8.00 PM, I was waiting for the call but none turns up. And, later I get the apology calls from 2 vendors. :P Well, not a big deal because I was planning to give the interview just for the sake of experience and was not planning to join any. Anyway, another interview was scheduled for 20th morning at 11.00 AM. The interview went fine and he wanted to have an F2F. Because of the in-laws coming, I arranged to meet them up that very day. Oh man! It was all crazy. Rushing at the last minute. And, guess what, when I reach there for the 2 o'clock interview, I'm told that the interviewers are gone for lunch and will be back in 45 minutes. WTF! I wait. At 3.00 I start again, not interested to wait any longer. And, as soon as I take the auto, I get a call from them that we're back, please come. Screw you!
Anyway, the interview went fine. It was good. I learnt quite new things. The interviewer were knowledgeable and that's the best you can get out of an interview. I return home by 5.00, totally exhausted. And, then I have to get working for the lavish dinner and the general look of the house. (My in-laws are coming to Bangalore, everything has to be perfect, you see!!) Life cannot get screwed more.
Something's missing
The wait seems endless.
Today is the last day for them to turn up. If it's a yes, something should come from them today. Else, it's a No.
After 3 rounds, the last one being with the top-most director, you expect things to have worked out.
I spoke to him last Thursday.
If this doesn't work out, I don't know what to do to keep hoping. Am done with all hopes, all trials and all fights. Now, it seems like an endless wait for God's next step, next move. Coz from my side, am done.
I know, if this doesn't work out, something else will. If there's nothing happening today, still there's something happening. It's just that I'm focussed somewhere else. But, this continuous fight is killing. After this, I just want to sit idle and let whatever happen. Even if the world starts to end now, I'm okay. I will just sit and watch the show.
Missing my cousin. The cousin whom I knew so less. Still, I grew so fond of him in the last few years. It was not just his illness which got me liking him, or appreciating him. I liked him from the whole bunch even before that. He was really caring and humble. He knew how to handle relations. He was very mature in the tiny garb of 5 ft that he was. I don't know how will this heal..if it ever will.
Today is the last day for them to turn up. If it's a yes, something should come from them today. Else, it's a No.
After 3 rounds, the last one being with the top-most director, you expect things to have worked out.
I spoke to him last Thursday.
If this doesn't work out, I don't know what to do to keep hoping. Am done with all hopes, all trials and all fights. Now, it seems like an endless wait for God's next step, next move. Coz from my side, am done.
I know, if this doesn't work out, something else will. If there's nothing happening today, still there's something happening. It's just that I'm focussed somewhere else. But, this continuous fight is killing. After this, I just want to sit idle and let whatever happen. Even if the world starts to end now, I'm okay. I will just sit and watch the show.
Missing my cousin. The cousin whom I knew so less. Still, I grew so fond of him in the last few years. It was not just his illness which got me liking him, or appreciating him. I liked him from the whole bunch even before that. He was really caring and humble. He knew how to handle relations. He was very mature in the tiny garb of 5 ft that he was. I don't know how will this heal..if it ever will.
Friday, January 11, 2013
Bangla
I want to learn Bangla, the language. My Mom used to say that a lot of good literature has been written in Bangla and she would like to read them some day, by learning Bangla. I have a different reason. I like to hear people speak it.
Recently, I met a doctor who was Bengali. Co-incidentally, after a few days, we happened to be in the same cinema hall watching a movie, one row apart. She was with her family (in-laws visiting, it seemed). Literate people speak it so well and they look so sophisticated speaking it. I really wish to be able to speak it some day. :)
Monday, January 7, 2013
Random Thoughts
Tarun left for Delhi today. Office work. Hope these testing times end soon. Missing him already.
On a funny note, he has left notes for me at different places of the house - things to remember - one at the gate for things I've to do before leaving the house. And another near the bed for things to do before knocking down for the day.
Well, I actually need those. You get so dependent on your partner that work gets divided and you forget that such a work exists also. And unfortunately, the list is long in my case :P
Anay is keeping me company this time. Am feeling like the big guy in the movie who is a military and left to baby-sit in a house with 4 kids. He learns to dance a silly number to put the smallest one to sleep. Tarun uses quite many tactics himself. And, am not half the joker he is, or even innovative enough. Fingers crossed.
I loved the visit to Vivekananda Ashram in Kanyakumari. It gets lot of visitors and yet there is a different peace and silence there. The sea surrounding you, the wind blowing in your face, you can't help get thoughtful. The thought that Vivekananda and Mata Parvati came there to meditate seems like a very smart move on their part. If one wants peace and solace to think deep thoughts, you couldn't find a better place. Well, you can't do that now anymore coz the place is commercialized but when it was just a rock in the middle of the sea, it was definitely a great place to meditate.
For once, even I felt like leaving everything in the material world. It all seemed so pointless and waste.
Wanted to post a pic of the same, but am unable to. The whole world posts so many interesting photos on blogs and I can't. How do you post pics with text? Can someone please help. I sincerely wish to.
On a funny note, he has left notes for me at different places of the house - things to remember - one at the gate for things I've to do before leaving the house. And another near the bed for things to do before knocking down for the day.
Well, I actually need those. You get so dependent on your partner that work gets divided and you forget that such a work exists also. And unfortunately, the list is long in my case :P
Anay is keeping me company this time. Am feeling like the big guy in the movie who is a military and left to baby-sit in a house with 4 kids. He learns to dance a silly number to put the smallest one to sleep. Tarun uses quite many tactics himself. And, am not half the joker he is, or even innovative enough. Fingers crossed.
I loved the visit to Vivekananda Ashram in Kanyakumari. It gets lot of visitors and yet there is a different peace and silence there. The sea surrounding you, the wind blowing in your face, you can't help get thoughtful. The thought that Vivekananda and Mata Parvati came there to meditate seems like a very smart move on their part. If one wants peace and solace to think deep thoughts, you couldn't find a better place. Well, you can't do that now anymore coz the place is commercialized but when it was just a rock in the middle of the sea, it was definitely a great place to meditate.
For once, even I felt like leaving everything in the material world. It all seemed so pointless and waste.
Wanted to post a pic of the same, but am unable to. The whole world posts so many interesting photos on blogs and I can't. How do you post pics with text? Can someone please help. I sincerely wish to.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Turbulence
Short update. Feel like posting something at least when my mind is over-full. Anyways, well, after a long time I'll be posting something about life 'before' something is really happening. I stopped doing it ever since I got married. But, this space is 'my' space. Want to keep it mine. So, posting the thought-process.
Job is not going well in Bangalore. The risk we took in shifting seems to be hitting back and things may totally fall apart. We may just have to return to NCR. I don't want to, of course! Well, I don't want to lose my freedom, which I've earned so hard. But, if things don't work out, then we may.
Tarun's work doesn't seem to be settling here. I'm already looking for a switch asap. I'm not that concerned about my job as I'm for his. I'm trying other options and hopefully things will work out for me. Well, advantage of being in the Silicon Valley (of India, fine!). But, things need to work for both.
I can pay a price for my freedom but the cost can't be family.
Let's see what happens. Keeping fingers crossed.
And, ya, returned from a long trip of South India today evening. Full of things about it but some other time. :)
Job is not going well in Bangalore. The risk we took in shifting seems to be hitting back and things may totally fall apart. We may just have to return to NCR. I don't want to, of course! Well, I don't want to lose my freedom, which I've earned so hard. But, if things don't work out, then we may.
Tarun's work doesn't seem to be settling here. I'm already looking for a switch asap. I'm not that concerned about my job as I'm for his. I'm trying other options and hopefully things will work out for me. Well, advantage of being in the Silicon Valley (of India, fine!). But, things need to work for both.
I can pay a price for my freedom but the cost can't be family.
Let's see what happens. Keeping fingers crossed.
And, ya, returned from a long trip of South India today evening. Full of things about it but some other time. :)
Monday, December 10, 2012
Pain
I'm feeling drunk...drunk with pain. Have you ever felt it?
The heart is sinking. I try to distract it but after a moment, it returns to the motion of sinking down. Is it the same for you too - the pain?
I feel like sinking down from my chair to the floor. I don't know why but whenever I'm sad or feel like crying, I feel like crouching on the floor, or lying flat on the floor. I feel like being close to the nature, the mother earth. Maybe it's the 'mother' part of the earth that invites me. Invites me to soothe me. Does it ever happen to you?
It's hurting a lot right now, it doesn't matter what the reason is. I know things will go back to fine. But, it doesn't reduce the pain right now. It's weird how my heart aches and yet it has the knowledge that it's temporary. Is it a part of being grown up and mature? Is it because I've so much faith in the fact that it's going to be over soon?
This pain is so different from the pain I feel when I lose an object. So different from the pain when I have a disturbance with my MIL. So different from when I have a argument with Tarun. Does heart have different areas and different flavours of pain? Have you ever felt it?
Am I becoming a sadist to be analysing pain? In a way, am enjoying the fact that it's paining so much because I'm secretly being happy that I'm going to get something amazing once this ends. Coz, pain is never a waste. It always brings happiness or surprise or a great amount of learning with it.
The Pandit said it's going to be a bad phase till 27th. It's still 17 days to go till then. It's scary a bit to think of what more I'm gonna see in the next coming days. What else am gonna lose. What embarrassment or low-points will my life see? The recognition and self-worth I've felt, for the first time in my long life, in my profession, will I lose that feeling by the end of it? Screw the Pandits. Seriously, sometimes it just feels like I could just sit in a corner of the room and pass these 17 days away silently. Do nothing, try nothing. What a waste of time. What a waste of valuable time of your life!!
I hope I never visit any Pandit again and remember not to. I know it's all as per destiny that the life is going to go. No matter how hard you try, or what you do, things will work as they are destined to. But! But, it takes away the whole fun of living a life. What's the point of living a life if there's no surprise element in tomorrow? What's the point in knowing that I would die tomorrow, today? If I hadn't known, I would have lived today like I would live to a 100! So, moral of the story, 'Live your life as if it's going to go on forever. Try new things. Even if you fail, you would know a new way it could go wrong'.
Thinking of that, I screwed up 1 ltr of milk over the weekend trying to make khoya at home. My Mom told me to let the milk heat on till it reduces to solid-paste state. I let that happen. But, I forgot that I had to 'stir'. End result? What else, asshole! The khoya got stuck as a black mass at the bottom and I had a khoya looking beautiful from the top but full of foul smell of burn inside it.
Now, I'm going to try it again this week. And. I'm going to succeed.
You may wanna know what happened to cause the pain. Remember my telling in the last post that I was supposed to go to the dream company from my current company as a client project. Well, after confirming me on Friday, they decided to rethink on it, on Saturday. So, am left lurching and biting my nails again. I had only started to feel relaxed and a little, tiny-bit happy about being settled finally at work. And, the moment I reach office, I get the news from my Manager here, that they are thinking again. And, by when will I get to know the final result? Don't know. Wait continues.
I feel like crying but I can't. It's the same way every time. I want to cry it out and get over with. But, I'm not given the opportunity. I have to deal with a heavy, crying heart. I can feel it. I can feel the heart shedding drops but I can't let that get out through my eyes. And, I feel the pain from a new portion of my heart. The portion that yearns for professional achievements and fulfilment. That wants to make a mark in the area where I am an individual. Where my and only mine, hard work shows. I want to feel that it's more than confidence and PR that got me where I am. I deserve to be at the top for being myself. For having the knowledge as well as the character. I have toiled honestly. I don't know if I have worked enough or not as per the world's standards. But, I've worked honestly and given my best effort to my career. So, I expect to be rewarded with the recognition for the same.
A lady works hard in two fields - at office and at house. She's never recognised or appreciated for her hard work at home because it's supposed to be her duty and responsibility to take care of everyone. If there are any faults, she's criticised but she's never complemented if things are going 'normal'.
Work is the only area where you work hard and can expect to be recognised. I hope I am. I yearn to be. I won't die till I do. If I did die before that, I guess I'll hover around here as a ghost. Coz, I won't settle till I settle.
The heart is sinking. I try to distract it but after a moment, it returns to the motion of sinking down. Is it the same for you too - the pain?
I feel like sinking down from my chair to the floor. I don't know why but whenever I'm sad or feel like crying, I feel like crouching on the floor, or lying flat on the floor. I feel like being close to the nature, the mother earth. Maybe it's the 'mother' part of the earth that invites me. Invites me to soothe me. Does it ever happen to you?
It's hurting a lot right now, it doesn't matter what the reason is. I know things will go back to fine. But, it doesn't reduce the pain right now. It's weird how my heart aches and yet it has the knowledge that it's temporary. Is it a part of being grown up and mature? Is it because I've so much faith in the fact that it's going to be over soon?
This pain is so different from the pain I feel when I lose an object. So different from the pain when I have a disturbance with my MIL. So different from when I have a argument with Tarun. Does heart have different areas and different flavours of pain? Have you ever felt it?
Am I becoming a sadist to be analysing pain? In a way, am enjoying the fact that it's paining so much because I'm secretly being happy that I'm going to get something amazing once this ends. Coz, pain is never a waste. It always brings happiness or surprise or a great amount of learning with it.
The Pandit said it's going to be a bad phase till 27th. It's still 17 days to go till then. It's scary a bit to think of what more I'm gonna see in the next coming days. What else am gonna lose. What embarrassment or low-points will my life see? The recognition and self-worth I've felt, for the first time in my long life, in my profession, will I lose that feeling by the end of it? Screw the Pandits. Seriously, sometimes it just feels like I could just sit in a corner of the room and pass these 17 days away silently. Do nothing, try nothing. What a waste of time. What a waste of valuable time of your life!!
I hope I never visit any Pandit again and remember not to. I know it's all as per destiny that the life is going to go. No matter how hard you try, or what you do, things will work as they are destined to. But! But, it takes away the whole fun of living a life. What's the point of living a life if there's no surprise element in tomorrow? What's the point in knowing that I would die tomorrow, today? If I hadn't known, I would have lived today like I would live to a 100! So, moral of the story, 'Live your life as if it's going to go on forever. Try new things. Even if you fail, you would know a new way it could go wrong'.
Thinking of that, I screwed up 1 ltr of milk over the weekend trying to make khoya at home. My Mom told me to let the milk heat on till it reduces to solid-paste state. I let that happen. But, I forgot that I had to 'stir'. End result? What else, asshole! The khoya got stuck as a black mass at the bottom and I had a khoya looking beautiful from the top but full of foul smell of burn inside it.
Now, I'm going to try it again this week. And. I'm going to succeed.
You may wanna know what happened to cause the pain. Remember my telling in the last post that I was supposed to go to the dream company from my current company as a client project. Well, after confirming me on Friday, they decided to rethink on it, on Saturday. So, am left lurching and biting my nails again. I had only started to feel relaxed and a little, tiny-bit happy about being settled finally at work. And, the moment I reach office, I get the news from my Manager here, that they are thinking again. And, by when will I get to know the final result? Don't know. Wait continues.
I feel like crying but I can't. It's the same way every time. I want to cry it out and get over with. But, I'm not given the opportunity. I have to deal with a heavy, crying heart. I can feel it. I can feel the heart shedding drops but I can't let that get out through my eyes. And, I feel the pain from a new portion of my heart. The portion that yearns for professional achievements and fulfilment. That wants to make a mark in the area where I am an individual. Where my and only mine, hard work shows. I want to feel that it's more than confidence and PR that got me where I am. I deserve to be at the top for being myself. For having the knowledge as well as the character. I have toiled honestly. I don't know if I have worked enough or not as per the world's standards. But, I've worked honestly and given my best effort to my career. So, I expect to be rewarded with the recognition for the same.
A lady works hard in two fields - at office and at house. She's never recognised or appreciated for her hard work at home because it's supposed to be her duty and responsibility to take care of everyone. If there are any faults, she's criticised but she's never complemented if things are going 'normal'.
Work is the only area where you work hard and can expect to be recognised. I hope I am. I yearn to be. I won't die till I do. If I did die before that, I guess I'll hover around here as a ghost. Coz, I won't settle till I settle.
Friday, December 7, 2012
3 months of ups and lows
Well, after really long gap, I've got
the opportunity to write back to my blog. Have been aching to get
back but never got the chance. It's not like I didn't have the time,
I was never alone. I need my privacy when penning my thoughts. With
one laptop at home and that totally occupied by Tarun, I don't get
free time + PC free. And, I'm totally avert to the idea of Tarun
watching over while I blog.
Never mind.
So, in the past three months of my stay
in Bangalore, a lot of ups and downs have come. Uncertainties,
shocks, surprises, challenges, and recognition. Well, I've seen it
all. :) But, overall, I would say it was worth every penny spent. And
the learnings, as much harsh, are worth keeping.
Let me try and put down the events and
my learnings with them quickly here.
Loss of a near one: I lost a
cousin of mine. He was 22, diagnosed with a rare form of cancer.
Within 4 months of detection of the cancer to the end, it all
happened that fast. These days medical science has grown so much that
one would believe there's no disease which cannot be treated. And
Cancer, well, what's the big deal. I was really not prepared for
this. The brother was a first of its kind in the whole world with
that type of cancer. Before that, AML was found only at later age of
life, like after 35 yrs of age. He was a bare 22. Even when they put
him to ventilator, I was sure he would come back. The astrologers had
said he had a long life. He was one with a never-say-die attitude.
Even till the end, he never thought that he would die. He just
thought it was a long battle that he would have to fight but he would
win. It showed on his face, in his attitude. It's a difficult thing
to accept that its over. It really is over. What I need to learn from
this...
- Time never returns. No matter how well you felt for the person, how good and deep your feelings were for the person, you may never get a chance to tell him later. Tell them now, else you will regret it forever. At the time, he was battling with the disease, I was busy shifting to Bangalore. My life was a mess and I never got time to call him or his parents and ask for his health. I know none of it could have changed his condition but it helps you heal later. Now, I feel a guilt on my heart calling my Mausi or Mausaji. I feel ashamed of going in front of them. I feel like I abandoned them in their times of need. So, call your relatives often. Even if it's nothing more than a hello. It makes them feel you close.
- Love your loved ones when you've time. These days in the mad rush of making your child learn to run, to compete in the fast world, we forget how much we love them. My Mausi n Mausaji lost their son, their child, the child they had loved so much. And in the 4 months when he was slipping away from their hands, the only thing they wanted was to keep him in never let go from their sight. Love your child unconditionally. How does it matter if he learns to throw a ball little later than the rest of the children. How does it matter if he doesn't like to play cricket but enjoys playing flute or learning dance more!? If he's snatched away from you tomorrow, it wouldn't matter how well the other person's child is doing. You would have lost yours and the loss is only yours. Love them till you have them with you. While you can.
- Never get too attached to anyone, not even your children. Nothing is permanent.
29th November'2012: Oh boy! What
a day it was. The fact that it was my Anniversary didn't make it so
eventful than the way it went. I was slated to have an interview on
30th with a dream company. On 28th I got the news that I've an
interview with the same D company from my current company, in two
days. Expecting a clash in the interview, I preponed my personal
interview to 29th so that the company's interview could happen on
30th. That was the earliest it was expected.
On 29th, the interview was supposed to
be from 9.30 -12.30 morning slot. I started early from home and got
full-on jam of Bangalore. The Auto Driver decided on some fare when I
took it from my home, but since I was getting down at such a big
company, he flipped. He said I would charge 1.5 times of meter. He
started howling at me in Kannada. He knew I wasn't a Kannadiga and
wanted to take full advantage of it. I tried to take help from the
people around on the red light but no one was interested in getting
into a mess right in the morning of a working day. Well, I decided to
seek help from the traffic police man. Thankfully, he was good,
smiled at the autowallah and told him to take the fare as previously
decided and let me go. But, because of the altercation, I was 5 min
late instead of 30 min early.
The interview, Phew! I had 4 technical
rounds in 3 hours. Back-to-back. The current interviewer left me only
when the next came standing on top of him. I was drained by the end
of it. At 12.35 I was out of the company and trying to pick up my
nerves.
Well, as fate would have it, it wasn't
happy enough on screwing the timelines and preparation of mine by 1
day and by the turning of events. The moment I switched on my phone
back, I got a call from my current colleague that our interview
(which was slated for next day) was supposed to happen today at 2.30.
We're supposed to go to client company for interview. Wow! Oh God! I
don't think I was more scatter-brained ever in my life as I was at
that time. I had not brought my lunch. I was supposed to eat after
reaching office. But, since I was late, we had to rush as soon as I
reached.
We waited for an hour at the reception.
I just got one coffee and some biscuits to have as lunch. I took a
round in the ground once to get hold of myself. And went back to
waiting for him.
The interviewer came, we had our
discussion, I don't know what he asked and what I answered. But, it
got over. The learnings:
- Man proposes. God disposes.
- You suck at Digital. Work it up before you even think of any interview.
- Tarun is always right only if you listen to him.
Anay:
Well, a short update on Anay also. He's
starting understanding tits n bits of English. Started using words
like 'stand, sit and down'. :) It's nice to see that. Also, he's able
to climb the stairs on his own. That's really an achievement. When I
saw him doing that the first time, at the swing, I was shocked. I had
lost sight of him only for a split-minute and there he was, climbing
the stairs confidently and happily. He was already mid-way through.:O
:D
Ecstatic. It's fun to play with him. He
tries to imitate the words we speak. Loves to spend time with us,
play games with us. Totally enjoying. :)
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