Turbulence

Short update. Feel like posting something at least when my mind is over-full. Anyways, well, after a long time I'll be posting something about life 'before' something is really happening. I stopped doing it ever since I got married. But, this space is 'my' space. Want to keep it mine. So, posting the thought-process.

Job is not going well in Bangalore. The risk we took in shifting seems to be hitting back and things may totally fall apart. We may just have to return to NCR. I don't want to, of course! Well, I don't want to lose my freedom, which I've earned so hard. But, if things don't work out, then we may.

Tarun's work doesn't seem to be settling here. I'm already looking for a switch asap. I'm not that concerned about my job as I'm for his. I'm trying other options and hopefully things will work out for me. Well, advantage of being in the Silicon Valley (of India, fine!). But, things need to work for both.
I can pay a price for my freedom but the cost can't be family.

Let's see what happens. Keeping fingers crossed.

And, ya, returned from a long trip of South India today evening. Full of things about it but some other time. :)

Pain

I'm feeling drunk...drunk with pain. Have you ever felt it?

The heart is sinking. I try to distract it but after a moment, it returns to the motion of sinking down. Is it the same for you too - the pain?

I feel like sinking down from my chair to the floor. I don't know why but whenever I'm sad or feel like crying, I feel like crouching on the floor, or lying flat on the floor. I feel like being close to the nature, the mother earth. Maybe it's the 'mother' part of the earth that invites me. Invites me to soothe me. Does it ever happen to you?

It's hurting a lot right now, it doesn't matter what the reason is. I know things will go back to fine. But, it doesn't reduce the pain right now. It's weird how my heart aches and yet it has the knowledge that it's temporary. Is it a part of being grown up and mature? Is it because I've so much faith in the fact that it's going to be over soon? 

This pain is so different from the pain I feel when I lose an object. So different from the pain when I have a disturbance with my MIL. So different from when I have a argument with Tarun. Does heart have different areas and different flavours of pain? Have you ever felt it?

Am I becoming a sadist to be analysing pain? In a way, am enjoying the fact that it's paining so much because I'm secretly being happy that I'm going to get something amazing once this ends. Coz, pain is never a waste. It always brings happiness or surprise or a great amount of learning with it. 

The Pandit said it's going to be a bad phase till 27th. It's still 17 days to go till then. It's scary a bit to think of what more I'm gonna see in the next coming days. What else am gonna lose. What embarrassment or low-points will my life see? The recognition and self-worth I've felt, for the first time in my long life, in my profession, will I lose that feeling by the end of it? Screw the Pandits. Seriously, sometimes it just feels like I could just sit in a corner of the room and pass these 17 days away silently. Do nothing, try nothing. What a waste of time. What a waste of valuable time of your life!!

I hope I never visit any Pandit again and remember not to. I know it's all as per destiny that the life is going to go. No matter how hard you try, or what you do, things will work as they are destined to. But! But, it takes away the whole fun of living a life. What's the point of living a life if there's no surprise element in tomorrow? What's the point in knowing that I would die tomorrow, today? If I hadn't known, I would have lived today like I would live to a 100! So, moral of the story, 'Live your life as if it's going to go on forever. Try new things. Even if you fail, you would know a new way it could go wrong'.

Thinking of that, I screwed up 1 ltr of milk over the weekend trying to make khoya at home. My Mom told me to let the milk heat on till it reduces to solid-paste state. I let that happen. But, I forgot that I had to 'stir'. End result? What else, asshole! The khoya got stuck as a black mass at the bottom and I had a khoya looking beautiful from the top but full of foul smell of burn inside it.
Now, I'm going to try it again this week. And. I'm going to succeed.

You may wanna know what happened to cause the pain. Remember my telling in the last post that I was supposed to go to the dream company from my current company as a client project. Well, after confirming me on Friday, they decided to rethink on it, on Saturday. So, am left lurching and biting my nails again. I had only started to feel relaxed and a little, tiny-bit happy about being settled finally at work. And, the moment I reach office, I get the news from my Manager here, that they are thinking again. And, by when will I get to know the final result? Don't know. Wait continues.

I feel like crying but I can't. It's the same way every time. I want to cry it out and get over with. But, I'm not given the opportunity. I have to deal with a heavy, crying heart. I can feel it. I can feel the heart shedding drops but I can't let that get out through my eyes.  And, I feel the pain from a new portion of my heart. The portion that yearns for professional achievements and fulfilment. That wants to make a mark in the area where I am an individual. Where my and only mine, hard work shows. I want to feel that it's more than confidence and PR that got me where I am. I deserve to be at the top for being myself. For having the knowledge as well as the character. I have toiled honestly. I don't know if I have worked enough or not as per the world's standards. But, I've worked honestly and given my best effort to my career. So, I expect to be rewarded with the recognition for the same.

A lady works hard in two fields - at office and at house. She's never recognised or appreciated for her hard work at home because it's supposed to be her duty and responsibility to take care of everyone. If there are any faults, she's criticised but she's never complemented if things are going 'normal'. 
Work is the only area where you work hard and can expect to be recognised. I hope I am. I yearn to be. I won't die till I do. If I did die before that, I guess I'll hover around here as a ghost. Coz, I won't settle till I settle.

3 months of ups and lows

Well, after really long gap, I've got the opportunity to write back to my blog. Have been aching to get back but never got the chance. It's not like I didn't have the time, I was never alone. I need my privacy when penning my thoughts. With one laptop at home and that totally occupied by Tarun, I don't get free time + PC free. And, I'm totally avert to the idea of Tarun watching over while I blog.

Never mind.

So, in the past three months of my stay in Bangalore, a lot of ups and downs have come. Uncertainties, shocks, surprises, challenges, and recognition. Well, I've seen it all. :) But, overall, I would say it was worth every penny spent. And the learnings, as much harsh, are worth keeping.

Let me try and put down the events and my learnings with them quickly here.

Loss of a near one: I lost a cousin of mine. He was 22, diagnosed with a rare form of cancer. Within 4 months of detection of the cancer to the end, it all happened that fast. These days medical science has grown so much that one would believe there's no disease which cannot be treated. And Cancer, well, what's the big deal. I was really not prepared for this. The brother was a first of its kind in the whole world with that type of cancer. Before that, AML was found only at later age of life, like after 35 yrs of age. He was a bare 22. Even when they put him to ventilator, I was sure he would come back. The astrologers had said he had a long life. He was one with a never-say-die attitude. Even till the end, he never thought that he would die. He just thought it was a long battle that he would have to fight but he would win. It showed on his face, in his attitude. It's a difficult thing to accept that its over. It really is over. What I need to learn from this...

1. Time never returns. No matter how well you felt for the person, how good and deep your feelings were for the person, you may never get a chance to tell him later. Tell them now, else you will regret it forever. At the time, he was battling with the disease, I was busy shifting to Bangalore. My life was a mess and I never got time to call him or his parents and ask for his health. I know none of it could have changed his condition but it helps you heal later. Now, I feel a guilt on my heart calling my Mausi or Mausaji. I feel ashamed of going in front of them. I feel like I abandoned them in their times of need. So, call your relatives often. Even if it's nothing more than a hello. It makes them feel you close.
2. Love your loved ones when you've time. These days in the mad rush of making your child learn to run, to compete in the fast world, we forget how much we love them. My Mausi n Mausaji lost their son, their child, the child they had loved so much. And in the 4 months when he was slipping away from their hands, the only thing they wanted was to keep him in never let go from their sight. Love your child unconditionally. How does it matter if he learns to throw a ball little later than the rest of the children. How does it matter if he doesn't like to play cricket but enjoys playing flute or learning dance more!? If he's snatched away from you tomorrow, it wouldn't matter how well the other person's child is doing. You would have lost yours and the loss is only yours. Love them till you have them with you. While you can.
3. Never get too attached to anyone, not even your children. Nothing is permanent.

29th November'2012: Oh boy! What a day it was. The fact that it was my Anniversary didn't make it so eventful than the way it went. I was slated to have an interview on 30th with a dream company. On 28th I got the news that I've an interview with the same D company from my current company, in two days. Expecting a clash in the interview, I preponed my personal interview to 29th so that the company's interview could happen on 30th. That was the earliest it was expected.

On 29th, the interview was supposed to be from 9.30 -12.30 morning slot. I started early from home and got full-on jam of Bangalore. The Auto Driver decided on some fare when I took it from my home, but since I was getting down at such a big company, he flipped. He said I would charge 1.5 times of meter. He started howling at me in Kannada. He knew I wasn't a Kannadiga and wanted to take full advantage of it. I tried to take help from the people around on the red light but no one was interested in getting into a mess right in the morning of a working day. Well, I decided to seek help from the traffic police man. Thankfully, he was good, smiled at the autowallah and told him to take the fare as previously decided and let me go. But, because of the altercation, I was 5 min late instead of 30 min early.

The interview, Phew! I had 4 technical rounds in 3 hours. Back-to-back. The current interviewer left me only when the next came standing on top of him. I was drained by the end of it. At 12.35 I was out of the company and trying to pick up my nerves.

Well, as fate would have it, it wasn't happy enough on screwing the timelines and preparation of mine by 1 day and by the turning of events. The moment I switched on my phone back, I got a call from my current colleague that our interview (which was slated for next day) was supposed to happen today at 2.30. We're supposed to go to client company for interview. Wow! Oh God! I don't think I was more scatter-brained ever in my life as I was at that time. I had not brought my lunch. I was supposed to eat after reaching office. But, since I was late, we had to rush as soon as I reached.

We waited for an hour at the reception. I just got one coffee and some biscuits to have as lunch. I took a round in the ground once to get hold of myself. And went back to waiting for him.

The interviewer came, we had our discussion, I don't know what he asked and what I answered. But, it got over. The learnings:

1. Man proposes. God disposes.
2. You suck at Digital. Work it up before you even think of any interview.
3. Tarun is always right only if you listen to him.

Anay:

Well, a short update on Anay also. He's starting understanding tits n bits of English. Started using words like 'stand, sit and down'. :) It's nice to see that. Also, he's able to climb the stairs on his own. That's really an achievement. When I saw him doing that the first time, at the swing, I was shocked. I had lost sight of him only for a split-minute and there he was, climbing the stairs confidently and happily. He was already mid-way through.:O :D

Ecstatic. It's fun to play with him. He tries to imitate the words we speak. Loves to spend time with us, play games with us. Totally enjoying. :)

Life is going beautiful

Well, it's been quite some time since I got privacy and circumstances suitable for my blogging. I want to capture and log in all that has passed. So much has passed in this last one month.

Office front, it was quite insecure in the beginning. I wish I could catalog the series of emotions I went through then. The setup, the facilities, the people, everything seemed alien to me. Bangalore, which seemed just another work place in India suddenly became a reality and a reality very different from the one I knew. While we Northies are very comfortable with Southies working with us, settled in NCR, but we could never begin to understand the alienness it feels in the beginning. You can only understand it once you've experienced it yourself.

The people are Indians but because there mother-language is different, they are different from you.
While you would have often heard people(/done yourself) cursing outsiders coming to Delhi and then abusing the city, you find your position reversed. You're in the company of people who're the natives and 'you' are the outsider whose taking their opportunities, abusing 'their' city and 'you' should be ashamed of it. While I never said anything anti-Bangalore, I think even the simple remarks on their language or on the state of affairs must look abusive to them. Because, you're an outsider so even if you're just joking sarcastically, they take it as a comment from you. I faced some of such embarrassing looks from my colleagues. I still need to work on what I speak and how I speak it. I get friendly with people pretty soon but it takes them time to accept it.

Anyways. Work-wise and people-wise, I'm starting to settle in my place of work. People are warming up to me and my idiosyncrasies. I found a very helping woman here - Shalini. She works with me in my office. She helped me right from finding an flat in her apartments (without brokerage) to getting the basic stuff for home arranged. Stove, Cylinder...God, the list is endless. I felt like my MIL's social nature is here with me in her garb. Co-incidentally, she shares her birthday with my MIL :P Others are good too. Funny and friendly Asha, the fresh and innocent Ambika, the outspoken and a little immature, though my-age, Padma.

At personal front, ever since I got Anay back from home, I've started to settle. Life is still taking time to fall into a routine. My bad habit of sleeping till late hasn't given me up. Tarun still needs to wake me up, no matter how many alarms he put. And then, I'm running and running and running. One day he got very furious that you have to wake up yourself and take stock of your responsibilities. I don't like to bully you like this. I was ashamed. Next day I woke up at 6.00 myself. Put up an alarm from 5.30 at night and woke up without Tarun's call. He was happy. Helped me in the kitchen too saying that when you are working, I don't mind helping. Next day onwards, I'm back to my regular routine - of Tarun waking me up. :D ;) :D

Anay, he's become the apple of our eyes. We're so besotted by him and his childish actions, that even while watching a movie, we are many a times watching him than the movie. :D His little dance when you feed him junk, his breaking out and walking on his own when we take him to a mall. He would keep walking and stand in the path of people and wait for them to reach him and see him, maybe give him a pat on his head. I don't know if every child does it, but I never knew children had so much to offer. :) It's a pure bliss to have him with me. I don't know if he was so active even back in Noida or is it only that I got so much time to watch him here. Another reason why I'm liking the change.

I miss Cadence. I miss my friends. I miss the warmth of NCR which had all become home to me. But, I like the individuality, the freedom, the sense of responsibility, the purpose Bangalore has brought  to my life. There are lot of challenges but none bothers me. Everything seems to be falling in place. I'm happy in my small hole of bliss. Till it lasts ;) :)

Dhoom2

Watching Dhoom2 again. I think I started liking Hrithik Roshan with this movie only.
It's all a killer combination.

Hrithik Roshan in his perfect body in a perfectionist role. Couldn't get enough of him in the movie.
Ash lookin stunning hot in the song - crazy kiya re and in the whole movie.
And, Karan Johar, the director. He actually knows how to dress up people and bring out their stunning selves.

Again, the reason why he should cast Ash in the movie version of "Shiva Trilogy".
This is the only way he can do justice to the movie.

Ohh! Back to the movie! :)

some 'me' time

With Tarun gone for seeing the rental places, I've today for 'me' time and there's so much I wanna do, I don't know how to go about it. I want to catch up with FB and friends. I also want to watch a movie on TV or YouTube. Then, I also want to do some craft stuff I've been achingly wishing to do. 

Don't know which one to pick. Ohh, lemme rush!

BANGALORE!

Well, as expected, as discussed, I have finally moved to Bangalore.

It's been crazy right from the word 'go'. Whether we think from the time when we were in the decision-making phase, or when we were in the resignation-shifting-moving phase, or now, when we've shifted. I don't know how this could be but if I'm really honest on my blogs, then the one thing I'll have to be honest about is that this was an impromptu decision. Even now, I and Tarun think if it was a right thing to do. Somehow the decision, the move is not getting permanent and perfect.

Normally, when you take a decision, you stick to it and you're ready for the consequences. Here, every time some hiccup comes, we're back to the decision-making phase, and asking ourselves or each other - 'Was it the right thing to do to uproot everything, a very happily settled life, for this?'

Well, I don't know if it was right or not, I'm blaming fate for it, but I'm not running back. I'm going to see through this and see what and why was I brought here.

So, to quickly pen down the highlights of the journey so far, here you go!

We reached Bangalore on 10 September 2012, Saturday, at 12.00 PM. Well, what was the first impression of Bangalore? With sign boards of start-up companies hanging from every other balcony, you feel like you've arrived in a dream-fulfilling dream. The city lures you to start dreaming. Whether you're a milk man or you're an IT consultant with no life, every one has the capability and the possibility of becoming a honcho tomorrow. Just dream big.
It felt like, Finally I've arrived!

But, the start-ups, are exactly what pops your balloon when you land into one.
I never mentioned about the company I had the offer from and for which I left the comfortable life. Well, it is kind-of-a-start-up. It's growing fast. The name's being well known in my professional circles. So, I was not expecting a company sitting in a residential area. Well, they are not exactly in a residential place. They have two offices, in very good parts of the city, and one upcoming in Whitefield. But, somehow, I still wasn't ready for even this much of a startup. I never knew but I was acclimated to a certain amount of standards in the company and I never knew they can falter in new ones. Like the coffee machine is supposed to be always working. If it's broken there's always a second machine available to go n pick ur tea from. So, as it was to be, the machine broke in my office and no one turns up to fix it for the whole day. It's only when I left the office due to a head-ache, and come back the next day, do I find the machine fixed.

So, to summarize, I can tell you that am not totally settled in my company. Please don't mention it anywhere. Am still struggling with accepting this fact. Tarun is not ready to accept it either.

Now, if facilities were not enough to unsettle me, I meet my Manager. Phew! The guy doesn't speak, or speaks in such low voice, it instantly puts me off. If there's one thing a manager should have, is confidence in himself and some amount of command in his voice. I don't know if it's a prerequisite for me, or it is something they also teach in B-schools. If they don't, they should. Having worked under numerous managers, I'm wary of those who don't have a strong voice. They always end up as the tame sorts, whom anyone can come and say anything, and they won't retaliate. They never have the capability to stand up for you in important forums. They never are able to represent the team in the positive light, they're supposed to. So, this guy is totally that. I've to stretch my ear till my leg to hear what he's saying.
To add to it, he's seeming to be a womanizer too - a trait I've sincerely come to despise. I don't need a tag of womanizer managers favoring me and my growth. I've worked hard and earned it myself, and there have been no untoward favors anywhere. Why should I be looked down upon or questioned just because someone else has a problem with his attitude?
The guy takes the girls of his team out for lunch while casually neglecting the guys in the team. Idiot! I hate him already. Such people think they are favoring the ladies but in reality, they are actually doing damages to them. You're supposed to be gentle to the ladies but you do not need to take sides.

Anyways, this is Bangalore. People change jobs more often than they change their shoes. So, if I can't find something befitting me here then I can't find it anywhere.

Lemme add a amusing incident to spice up the post. I get a call from a consultant for a job opening from a big name. He says 'the company is in Whitefield. Will you be able to manage commuting?' I said, 'yes, why not? That's why I'm applying, right?!'
He: 'Well, there are lot of people who say it's very far off from our place so we can't manage'
Me: 'That's a luxury Bnglr people can afford. Noida people are not used to it.'

Seriously! In Noida, the companies are so numbered that leaving a company just because it's a little far from home, seems outrageous. Maybe, in a few months, I'll get used to it too.

Hey, one more thing. The people are great. Helping. Despite being the IT hub and growing leaps and bounds, when you talk to someone, ask them for help or anything, they will talk to you as if they have no other work to do. Feels like North India and North-Indians are real trash in humanity standards. We really need to work on our skills there.
That's all for now. Ciao!

Question

What is the best profession you would suggest, for a person who loses interest if he finds someone else doing it. I mean, the person wants to be the best and the only person doing such a job.

Please do comment. You can leave anonymous answers if you're uncomfortable putting names to yourself/you reply.

N d days are numbered..

Well, a short update before I head on for the new phase of my life. :)

My flight to Bangalore is on Saturday. Most busy with packing, dreaming, planning, thinking and re-thinking.
After much discussion, I gave in to the practical solution. So, for now, it would be me and Tarun who would go to Bangalore. Anay will stay back with his Amma/Baba. It's good he's small. I wouldn't want him to go through the same tormented time as me.

No one is giving much thought on my emotions of leaving him behind. It seems like everyone thinks it's not big a deal. Maybe because my SIL's have left their kids to my MIL for some time, at some point in their lives. Or, maybe, because I don't come across as a person with lots of emotions and attachments. ($%#%^#$%#$)???????????

I went to my parents' home yesterday. Mom was not keeping well. She has been diagnosed with sugar problem and it shooted to 400 yesterday, while she was at work. My Dad never mentioned that to me, and casually told me about it, so that I don't get worried, and don't come running. I went anyways. I knew he would never give me the real picture so better I go and see her, before I leave for the far-far-place.
And, as expected, my Dad had hidden the picture from me, as I found that my Mom was in hospital. Though it was more of a precautionary thing but I think, I have complete right to know the real picture. Sometimes, it makes me feel so distant and so much a stranger to them. It feels very sad. Anyways, I know that the truth is because they are trying to save me from the tension. They knew I was super-busy with packing and all and had no time. But, still.
I would rather like to know the complete damage and deal with it than keep wondering. :( :-/

Things are moving fine at work. It's a week for parties and farewells. I've one farewell lunch today, then another on Friday. Friday will be my last.

Well, this being my second switch, my feelings are very different. When I left my last company,  I was aching to leave it so my last day came as a big happiness to me. But, here, I actually liked it. I'll miss it. I'll miss my colleague, Aanchal. If I could come back here without being at logger-heads with her professionally, I would love to. I wish I could come back to this. I sincerely wish so.

Don't know where life will take me. It seems surprising to be leaving a company when you were so settled in it. But, life springs surprises at you. So, there I am. Taking it in my stride.

So, my dear friend Life, let's go!!

Change

Change is the way of life. People change too.

The Gita says the body changes too. you had a different body when you were a kid, you have a different one now since you're an adult.

A friend once told me that when you try to change someone, something else will change too. So, make changes cautiously. 

I've always remembered it and tried not to make any changes to my partner.

But, one brings a lot of changes, no matter they wish it or not. Yesterday, Tarun was mentioning that how is preference for movies has changed. He also doesn't feel like going for the violent movies that mostly guys love (Gangs of Wasseypur II was in question, which I had refused to go to). He said whether one likes it or not, it happens. 

I thought silently, was I pushing my opinion on him all this time? No. I always try to hear what he wants to do. If he even as much as says it, I try to accompany him to what he wants to do. But, he never says much.

Is that a problem? Well, no. I think that's the way he is. Is there a problem with me? Am I too imposing? No. That's the way I've always been. Am I doing something deliberate to change him? No. I'm changing him just by existing with him.

I really loved and liked the person I married. I still love the person I married. 

But, will I be able to love the person I'm changing him into? I am not sure. I'm scared on that. 

There are changes which I'm seeing in him which I'm not liking. They are not changes I wished but they are perhaps caused by me.  Can I do something to revert those changes? Can I do something to not cause any further changes? Well....

I know of one thing which could be my problem and reason for his changes. I could work on it and try to fix it.

But, haven't I always known the problem and consciously tried to avoid it? Yes, I have. But, that is the way I am. And, if I change myself, then isn't it again the defeat of all purpose?

I think change is inevitable. You cannot fight it. You can just hope its a positive one. And, if its not, then hope you're able to deal with it.

Marriage and expectations

The mother of all grievances is expectations.

When you're mature enough to understand this, you try to keep your expectations low. You try to avoid keeping expectations from strangers. But, you cannot help expecting certain help, certain warmth from your family members.

So, when you are old enough and still grieving, it's mostly because your family didn't match up to your expectations. Is it wrong to have expectations from your family? I think, no.

What do you do when they fail to do what you expected?

If you're a man, or an unmarried lady, you would say, shout at them, howl at  them, or maybe cry it out, and get over it. 

But, if you're a married woman, what do you do? If the family in question is your in-laws, of course, you don't shout or howl. You don't think you matter enough to them as much as their son or daughters. You don't think they understand you. You know for a fact that anything you say to them will go down as ego-hurt. So, you take the best and the only route available. You just sit in a corner and let the moment/feeling pass away.

If the family is your own parents, you don't say anything because you feel distanced. You feel disappointed. If they don't understand you then who would? If they don't know you and your expectations after being your blood-parents, how can you expect anyone else to understand you. You feel like they no more care for you and all that is left of the relation is the formalities. They don't tell you if they don't like anything of you, and you don't tell them if something they said or did, pinched you. You don't want to hurt them, especially from that distance. You just grieve in solace. 

(PS: If it's your spouse, then I think each one choses her own way of sorting the matter :P)

You would think you can share your problems with your husband. You can at least go to him and grieve your heart out. But, you know what, the irony is that even telling him is no more an option. You cannot go to him and tell him that you have problems with his mother, or his sisters! He may listen to you but would he understand? For how long can he continue to listen wrong things about his own siblings? 

Is it fair on him to force him to this torture? 

Is it fair on the world to put the woman to this torture?

When you're young, unmarried, you just want companionship. Someone with whom you can share your dreams, your future, your life. You know there will be problems but you never knew the problems are not going to be external, they are going to be internal. 

The woman is removed from her family, put in another family, expected to accept it, expected to change for it, expected to forget everything she learned to believe in, or live for. She's left lonely. Instead of giving her the support she thought she would get, you deprive her of all the support she ever knew, for her. 

It is so lonely.

I've been married for 2 years and I've still not been able to appreciate the concept society penned. I don't understand why it is the way it is. I don't know why the society makes it so unbearable to live happily with a person you actually want to live with. If it was not for the society, the world would be a much better place to live in.

Cooking

CAUTION: 

I feel like blogging the whole day today.

I don't know if I will but bear it as long as you can.

Post1: Cooking

In my 2 yrs experience in the kitchen, I've realized one thing. If you want to make anything yummy, anything at all, just fry the ingredients/vegetables in ghee before you go on with your regular recipe. The thing will turn out awesome. 

And, if you want to add more to it, just add some nuts (kajoo esp) to the gravy.

I've tried and tested it on paneer lababdar, pindi chana(chhole), veg biryani, fried idli...etc etc

Don't tell me its so unhealthy. I already know it and that's why am not happy with this solution. I wish there was an alternative to this greasy option. I like tasty food and I don't think one needs to abstain from yummy things to live longer and healthier. I want to eat everything, okay with moderation.

Decisions / Career choices

As you grow up to become an adult, there will be times when you reflect on your life. On such occasions, you would be able to pin-point on specific times in your life which changed your life considerably. Though everything that happens in our lives, has some significance and some effect on the future of our lives, but we fail to notice it, at that moment.

For example, even a simple act of eating our regular food, there could be a chance that we're eating a rotten eggplant that had a small part of it going bad, and the cook failed to notice it. It chance-happened to fall in your portion of the plate and you ended up having food-poisoning. 

Or, even the regular tea you take in your office is the cause of your acidity and it is not noticeable right now, but will show up in a time-span of 5 yrs.

Well, the post is not about the small nothings and how stupid things affect ur stomach. The post is about the decisions I took in my life which changed or defined my career. Some of the people may like to call it 'mistakes' of my life. But, whatever they were, they define my career and Me.

1. US trip 2009: Well, it was everything a turning point could have. Sudden, dramatic, all-previous-plans-busted or halted, complete life changed and in a matter of a week. The life was going boring and routine. I was preparing for MBA entrance. My preparation was going solid. My CAT had already happened. My office project was about to end. I reached office having the expectation of some free time for a few days, no work and hopefully some new novels to read. But, as turning points are, my manager informed me through a mail, that I've a client-interview slated for that evening. That-very-evening. He didn't even feel the need to at least call me and give me a head start. Well, as luck would have it. I decided to just give it my best and forget it. I knew it was for a client sitting in US and I'll have to go there if I cleared it but I didn't dwell on that part much. My track record of interviews was so bad that I had no reasons to believe or think otherwise. :P So, I had my interview at 9.30 PM (or, was it 10.30 PM?) Well, it was short. He asked me a few questions, answered more himself than me, and ended the interview in half-an-hour. I never thought it would be much. I had my XAT the coming weekend so I better concentrate on that. I did.

While returning from my examination hall with my Dad, when I switched my phone back on, I had received a msg from my colleague that I had got through my interview and was supposed to fly to US within a week's time. Bamm! 

Life taken a 360 degree turn and a fast-forward. 

I never knew or thought the trip would change so much of me, so much for me, so much within me. 

It did. The experience was not a pleasant one. But, it is a cherished one. And life is much better and different from what it was.

Moral: Fate is more powerful than you. And, sometimes it's wiser than you too.

2. Bangalore visit, 2010: A cousin brother working at a good post. Offers me a good position at one of the leading giants in Computers. The position is of Program Manager. I would have to give a dummy interview to a manager in Bangalore. I was already slated to travel to Bangalore for a week with Tarun anyways. Wow! 

I am worn out of my job at HCL. I have been dying to move out of it and get into another company. If I don't, I would perhaps just quit my career and sit at home than waste my time and energy working here. I am looking forward to the opportunity given to me by my big-brother. 

But, as I reach there, as I get to understand the opportunity more, I realize its something that people talk of, getting job through connections, just because you know someone powerful, you're there. Despite being desperate for a job change, despite the role being my dream role, I turned it down. 

I don't think I could have survived the knowledge that I'm having the job because a brother of mine is sitting there above. I'm working because the world is dirty and unfair. I'm earning my livelihood, my salary, because of someone's favors. 

After 2 months of declining the offer, I received my offer letter from Cadence. The position was earned. The salary was mine and received because of my work, not because of a connection. 

Moral : There maybe easier paths in life which may give you better and faster results but they ask for something lot more in return, and that's your conscience.

3. Bangalore again, 2012: The decision is taken. But, I'm not able to stick to it. As yet. Every time, every weekend, I revisit and something irks me to revisit it. Sometimes its a remark from some friend. Sometimes its Anay falling sick and me thinking on how I'm going to take care of him alone. Other times, its my insides talking to me and asking me on the real reasons for my decision.

Well, its a long story. But, the important part is, this is a time when am leaving a secure space, a settled position, a job, for unknown. For challenges.

It turns out to be a mistake or first step towards growth, is yet to be known. Time's running fast. I'll know the results soon.

The Moral is to be learnt yet.

But, am sure it's going to go down as an important turning point in my career/life.

Prayers for Bobby

I saw this movie last night. On Youtube. And, I can only say that every individual on this earth should watch this movie. Must watch this movie.

It's a movie about Gay people and how they need to be accepted and not ridiculed. It's a very moving movie which tells you the simple fact - Life is more important than the rules and the preachings of the society/man/bible. 

Love your loved ones. For what they are. For you may lose them tomorrow for silly prejudices and you will have no one else but yourself to blame. Save them before it's too late.

http://www.prayersforbobby.com/

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt1073510/

Or, you can search it and watch it on YouTube.

Turbulence

The times are tumultuous. I'm having opposing thoughts every half-an-hour. One minute my thoughts are tilting towards going to Bangalore and the next hour, I'm totally against it and checking my sanity. I'm continuously explaining myself the goods of the decision. And, I'm continuously warring with my thoughts which are saying it's a good idea. 

I don't know if I'm making any sense any more. Forget to you, even to myself.

I told Tarun let's go for a short break. Let's go somewhere. But, God is just not ready to give me a respite, yet. This weekend I really needed to go somewhere. I was ready to go anywhere, even if it meant just going to next door for a break. But, as luck would have it, I couldn't get it. I did go to my childhood friend's place. She recently delivered a baby and I was over-due to meet her. So, it was a respite. But, it was a short one. Happened and ended.

The weekend is over and am back in the grill. The work is not moving an inch. My mind is not letting my concentrate on my work and move forward even a bit. I'm busy fixing my mind the whole day in office. And, busy cursing myself of losing another of work, when am back at home. I think many people would call this Procrastination but I think this is a very tiring way of killing time. If anyone needs tips, please consult me in better times. I can write a book on 100 ways of killing time without taking any tension.

Any person I talk to, 'any-body-at-all', about my career decision, ridicules me. Now, this could be one of the two cases -

1. If everyone you meet in your lane is coming in the wrong direction, perhaps you are in the wrong lane. / 

the hindi adage 'vinaash kaale viparit budhhi'.

2. When you do something unusual, people ridicule you and say it cannot be done. When you achieve, they say, why wasn't it done before. 

Hope you get the dilemma. O Lord, am I losing it!?

Just let it be only me losing it. Hope I don't drive Tarun insane too in the process.

A Note to Self

Remember and Re-vise whenever you stand on such a conjunction ever in life.

There will be times when you would feel like it's all getting too much to handle. You don't know what next is going to happen in life. You'll feel that everything is going to go wrong and you'll lose everything you have built so far.

Stop! Stand firm. Close your eyes and take deep breaths. Remember the last time you were in the same situation. Remember? What happened? 

Right.

Nothing went wrong. Everything went fine. You may not have got what you planned for but God gave you something else which was far more better and made your life much much better, than you had planned initially.

You only fear that what if things went wrong. Don't fear. Trust God. Have faith in him. And, take the leap. The 'Leap of Faith.' If things went wrong, you have the capability, the strength to strike back. To stand up again. Just like you did then. And, every time it happens, you come back as a better person.

So, don't fear these times. These are opportunities which come in the garb of risks. Too many risks. So, rather than fearing, and feeling like running away - Smile Dear!

Your time is coming. :)

'Why women can't have it all' - my take on it.

The post is triggered by a link shared by a blog reader. Thanks for sharing the post with me, friend. It was in response to my post 'the working woman'.

http://www.theatlantic.com/magazine/archive/2012/07/why-women-still-can-8217-t-have-it-all/9020/

Well, I would still beg to differ. No, I won't say that what Anne Marie Slaughter said is wrong. I won't say that a women doesn't make any sacrifice to step higher in her career. I think I already mentioned that in my earlier post. But, I would like to ask the society, our human community, are we pointing to the right question?

You say the problem is 'Women want a career as well as home. They can't have it all. They are sacrificing family to satiate their ambition.'. I say the problem is ' The society still thinks a man's issues are more important than a woman. The world doesn't oppress a woman by domestic violence now. This (guilt-of-leaving-family-for-work) is the new way of woman oppression.' I would like to explain how.

We live in a society where girls are educated and treated equal till the time they are married. Every man wants a wife whose educated well. They want her working so she can support them equally in leading their family. They know it provides a great support in times of distress. If one loses a job, as is common in private sector, the other's job provides a great mental support. Everything is wonderful till both are working, enjoying the pleasures, the luxuries. Now, comes the time when you plan to extend the family. A child is born and she should be taken care of. It's a big responsibility. 

Now, the society expects and wants the wife to be accomodating enough to leave her career. They want her to sit at home, be full of 'mamta' and give the child all her attention and take care of her demands. Then, when the child starts going to school again and there isn't much to do at home, she should take up some part-time course or do some distance-learning program and get back to job. After all, how can they take care of their child's education if they both aren't working! Now, after a gap of 5 yrs, the woman isn't as competent as she used to be. She has to work double hard on achieving the same position as she could have, or used to have in her pre-pregnancy days. But, she cannot give those extra hours. After all, she needs to be home on time and take care of her child when she returns from her school. What's the end result? The woman is forced to do a job she is half-interested in. She knows she can excel at a lot more things if she's given the opportunity. But, she cannot take those opportunities because she's a mother. 

She has to suffer her whole life being the incompetent, uncared-for employee who just works for a pay packet, which she needs to support her family. She is not allowed to have a career, a job, a work she truly loves from her heart. Welcome to the new age, new style of women oppression.

Why is the man not Man enough to let go of his big-fat-male-ego and accept the demands of the family equally.

Let me offer an alternative situation. There are two men. Both work as a team. They are given a task of doing their regular full-day jobs and taking care of a small baby. What do you think they will do? They will divide the child's duties equally amongst themselves and continue to do their routine jobs. If the child needs to be put in a day-care, or a maid needs to be kept for taking care of the child, they wouldn't mind. It's just about management. If one of them has a meeting in the evening, the other will step in and take care of the baby while the other is away taking the meeting. 

What is the problem if the two-male team is replaced with a man-woman team? Why is the situation considered any way different? Is it right to expect a woman to live an unfulfilled life just because she's a woman? Why can't the man of our society step up and be the real support system he promises to be at the time of marriage? Isn't it just the ego which comes in your way? What will my Mom say if she sees me working in the kitchen? What will my sister say if she sees me changing my son's soiled diapers!?

It's this attitude which needs to change.

And, when the man at home will change, the man at work will change too. When the world will have enough women at the top, it will understand that the family and work are both the needs of the society and the society needs to upgrade its laws and functioning to support both. They need to create a workplace, a society which is open-minded and supportive of the human ways where people work and people reproduce off-springs in the same day.

Ah! Just after posting this post, I read an article by Chetan Bhagat who opines quite similarly to mine. Now, I know two men who agree to my ideology (CB and my husband). The world definitely has hope of survival. :) Check this out.

http://timesofindia.indiatimes.com/home/sunday-toi/all-that-matters/Home-truths-on-career-wives/articleshow/15243750.cms

The working woman

As I mentioned in my previous posts, I'm in that phase of my life where I'm thinking a lot. I'm thinking whether I should be taking up new challenges in my career or putting career at a side and taking care of my baby. While for some of you, the answer could be a straight 'Option 1' or 'Option 2', but I know now that it's never an easy thing to decide for the woman herself.

No matter how much supportive your family is to your work and your familial responsibilities, you don't want to carry the guilt on your shoulders for the rest of your life that you gave up your family for your career. So, I started inquiring people on how they manage their work and their families. I asked colleagues, I asked my parents (both mine and in-laws), I even asked strangers I met for the first time. :) But, I never got a convincing answer.

In this search, yesterday, I found the stories of the Fortune Most Powerful Women. Reading their stories and reading the ordeals of their lives, I found that they faced the same dilemmas and same decision-making stages in their lives, as I am. I would like to share what I read and what I deduce from all of it. This is for all the girls who will have a child or have a child already, to understand that you don't have to pick one. You can have both!

Indra Nooyi, the PepsiCo chief says the guilt (of leaving your child) will always be there. Sometimes it'll be so strong you would feel like a complete failure. Your children and your family would be making sacrifices for your career. But, you just have to learn to deal with it and give your best to whatever you have committed to. In one of her interviews she mentioned how she was supposed to make choco chips for her kids and had forgotten. So, she called her cafeteria and asked them to make some, and make them look like home-made cookies. :) 

But, it's also famous about her  that if any of her kids calls her in between her meetings, she takes the call.

Moral: You will have to find excuses or short-cuts to give your family what they want. You may be missing some of their parent meetings to meet your office deadlines. But, you just keep trying.

Sheryl Sandberg, COO of Facebook, says she got the offer of Facebook when she had just delivered her second child. She said it's important to take new challenges and keep your work meaningful. Else, the point comes when you don't get the enthu in your work and it all looks pointless to you. Unless you don't keep achieving in your career, your career will start looking a waste of time to you and you will come to the point where you will quit it. Rather than making it wasteful, make it useful.

In both these incidents, I see some of my problems. Now, I was at the same point where I was not finding myself useful and I didn't feel like my work was making the impact the way it should. I had come to the point of quitting it all. And ,that's when Tarun took the control and said that we will go to Bangalore. He's giving me those new challenges and change of environment I needed to get my career running again.

Moral of the story: For a woman to achieve life long balance, she needs a husband who thinks her career is as important as is his. As Indra Nooyi put it, 'Chose  the right husband.'

And, then there was the important answer given by Carol Bartz, ex-Yahoo chief. She was asked how does she manage work and family. She said I don't know how I manage. Basically, I keep juggling them like balls. You catch the one whichever comes at that time. 

 

So, for all the girls out there, not yet married, I would just give one advice, chose a partner who values your career more than you do. And don't make career or child as top priority. It's about managing both the priorities equally. 

And, all the guys out there, you just need to dump your egos and its time to understand that your wife is as equal to you as any other guy colleague. And since she's your wife, help her handle her problems just like a Man.

I wanna cry

I don't know what it is but I'm not feeling good. There's something that is unsettling me. Am not happy and I don't know what's bothering me. I'm not able to put my finger on the problem.

I want to take a day off and go some shopping. Shopping always relieves my nerves. But Tarun doesn't want to go. He's also extremely stressed. He has tremendous work pressure. And, the move to Bangalore is not easy a decision for him, either. To add to his miseries, SIL's MIL is also on Ventilator. Whether Tarun says it or not, I know he's disturbed because of that as well. 

Today, he snapped at me for snapping at him. It happens to us a lot that he comes back home in a bad mood and I was in a bad mood already. But, at least we're together and F2F. So, we resolve it. But, today, we snapped on chat. Bad, worse, worst!

Now, the whole afternoon has passed and the time for me to go home has come but none of us has pinged the other. The reason is also because of work. But, we needed those mending words. 

Now, I'll just have to wait for him to reach home. And, somehow I know he's gonna be late.

Lord! Save us!

Cross Roads

I have been holding myself back from writing anything about this latest phase of my life. It's a little personal to be sharing it with the world. But, am letting myself out here. That's the only thing I can do now. Too much thoughts crowding my mind and I need to flush it out.

As the recent events have occurred, I and Tarun have decided to relocate to Bangalore. After my low phase going on for a long time, Tarun decided it was time for me to take the switch and go for the company located in Bangalore. To cut the long story short, he decided to continue his work in his current company and take the option of WFH. So, he'll be working out of home from Bangalore, keeping an eye on the maid we'll hire for Anay and I would join the Verification Industry again, moving back from the Validation background I opted for, at Cadence.

Well, it was the opportunity of a life time. I would get to move out of my in-laws house which I so wanted, always wanted. I get to make a house of my own. I get to raise my kid my way. I get to lead my life my way. Yes, I am not happy with the risk/ downturn we're taking for Tarun's career. He says it's fine for him and it's all fine if it's helping me in my career. But, am not satisfied with the counter-reasoning.

Then, there is something in me which is telling me that it's running away from the problem. I know I'm getting an amazing hike. I know I am getting the dream position I always hoped and ached for. But, there is something inside me which is still not happy. Perhaps, it's because I know it's not best for Tarun. Perhaps, it's because I know there is a big risk involved in the decision and things may just come down crumpling. Perhaps, it's because I know the escape from the in-laws is temporary and rather a big mirage. No matter for how much time we go, they would keep doing what they do here too..interfere.

Then there are the equations at my current company. I liked working here. The organization is good. The manager is a really good woman. The work-timings are perfect for me to spend good time taking care of my family and giving time for my office. The work was good too and I still had things I wanted to learn and explore in here. I liked the respect you get at a Product company. I vowed never to get back to service industry when I moved from HCL. I am breaking the vow only because Tarun thinks it's the best decision to make.

But, then there's the chance of moving to USA if we move back to Verification background. I can get a job any day if I have a verification profile.

Phew! There are lot of wishes, there are lot of dreams and all cannot be fulfilled. I need to chose which is the most prime. And the prime most is to have a home of myself. My freedom. Today, Tomorrow, Forever.

I know the only way to get it is to talk to parents. But, Tarun knows that no matter when we talk, how we talk, how much we sugar-coat our reasons, how much we validate our reasons to them, it'll hurt them. Deeply. And none of us want to do that.

O Lord, give me some way out. Some middle way out and solve this misery of my life.

Maybe moving to Bangalore is the best decision and maybe things will improve when we return.

Quote...

And yet, to say the truth,

reason and love keep little company together nowadays.

William Shakespeare

A Midsummer Night’s Dream

Act III, Scene i

Light :)

Well, there is something between me and light. I love sunlight, or natural light most. And, in its absence I need a lot of light wherever I am sitting. Whether be it my work-space or my home. In contrast to my MIL who can sit in a dark room with equal ease, I feel uncomfortable sitting in dark and talkin to people. I can't even see their faces properly.

Anyways, our seats at work have been shuffled. And, my new seat is now near a big glass door and a window. The placing is such that I get good natural light all through morning. While my last seat was well-lit too, but I missed the natural light.

I am so loving this new seat :)

Rebel, O Jesus, Let me!

Something's welling up in me....something like rebellion. My strong selfishness, my individuality, my go-do-it streak is rising up again in me. Things are taking shape. And, it all needs patience. I need to wait and let time do its task. But, it's very difficult to wait. I want to blow everything up and do the thing I wish to do.

I have always listened to my heart...pretty much always. Even when I decided to stop listening to it, I guess it was my heart telling my mind to stop thinking that it was listening to the heart :P :)

Now, when I think I'm following my heart, it's still badgering me to go the opposite direction and shatter everything I've built. Or rather, shatter everything that's been built by destiny, so far, for me.

What is it between me and destiny? Why am I always at loggerheads with it? Is it the same way with everybody? Or, am I the only freak in this arena?

I want to just go get the opportunity of going to USA. I want to make a life there and settle there. Raise Anay there. I know life is not easy for kids there. But, I think with the right upbringing, they can be raised good too. It's just a better way of life than it is here. You can be fair at work and happy at home. Times are tough. There are challenges too. But, things work out fine. And, you can live a life of anonymity at peace, unlike here.

I want a home of my own. I want to go home today in the evening and tell my MIL everything. Tell her that I want a home of my own.....I can already see the tears flooding the banks and breaking all dams. Phew! I can also foresee the savior running to her rescue and making me understand how I am the pillar of the house, and it's my responsibility and decisions that will make or break it. Well, the fact that I would be telling them... that I want a space for myself, which I can shape and nurture on my own, and that the decision has nothing to do with them.....that will just go unheard. They will totally believe that that is just a facade to hide up the true reason that I want to separate from them. In the end, I'll be the vamp and the family would stand united, on the opposite side. 

There will be all sorts of reminders, gentle and harsh, on how I've been so taken care of. How things are so taken care of and I'm only looking at the negatives. I would protest saying there's no negative that I'm looking at. I just need my space to breathe. A woman needs a house she can run and rule. Home is one place which is supposed to be totally her kingdom and which she gets to run and keep. I want that kingdom of mine and do not want to take orders from anyone else here. But, I doubt that they would understand the need or the point.

It's a big downside that this is one subject, apart from the other of making base at US, where my savior abandons me too. The only person who stands by you or to whom you can look up for support, in a joint family, if he abandons you too, then there are meager chances of you winning the battle. You can cry, you can stomp your feet as much as you like, but once the family gets united, there's no chance for your victory. After all, 'united we stand, divided we fall' has been a golden adage since ages.

Sigh! ........................................................................ Sigh!

There I am, picking the shards of my dreams, of my heart, piece by piece.

Quote...

Things can fall apart, or threaten to, for many reasons, and then there's got to be a leap of faith. Ultimately, when you're at the edge, you have to go forward or backward. It takes great courage to make the giant leap. But once you do, things start falling in place

How I would live my life if I relived it.

I've often mentioned about the Phoenix times of my life that happened when I was in US. And, the changes it brought to my life. 
The time has brought so much change that I'm a totally new person.People from my past life, when they meet me, none of them has failed to say 'Swati,you've changed a lot. A Lot.' I don't know whether the change is good or bad to them. I just know I'm happy with the changes.
But, after the changes, I wish I had some changes in my past life too. I miss some things which I could have back then, and cannot have now. I would like to list them here. I feel like I missed on them, and would like to re-live my life.


1. Have a girl's gang.
2. Go to a girl's college like LSR for Women.
3. Be a Bitch.
4. Never have entered an Engineering College.
5. Wish I had not been such a bright student, but a little lesser one so that I could have been left to my own means, and not pushed for a little extra always. That would have saved me so much misery. 
6. Had been more closer to my Mom back then. I'm so close to her now that I miss not being that, then.
7. Had a no-boys world for myself back then.
8. Got into blogging at that time.
9. Got over my fear for animals.
10. Learnt dancing.
11. Learn Radio Jockeying
12. Tried wood-crafting, Craftwork on professional levels, Interior Designing, Cooking, Managed a library.
13. Traveled a lot more with friends.
14. Last but not the least, after having tried my hand at everything, chosen a field I truly loved, and being pursuing that by the age of 25.


I think I can keep the list going on and on. But, I think the crux is in there mostly.

Protect your dream

Just the other day at work, we were discussing about a fellow colleague. It happened to be his anniversary that day and we came to know that it had been 10 yrs since he got married. That brought the question on how old was he exactly. And, we realized he was well in his late-30s. Now, that's not something to be astonished about but just that the guy doesn't look even 30+, forget nearing 40.
And, the major point that struck the chord was that he had been working since past almost 10 yrs. And, he was still a no-one.
No-one?
I mean, after working 10 yrs in the industry, I want to be someone people know, I want to be someone who stands out in the team, at least. Even if I'm not the best in the trade, or I don't have exemplary patents or awards behind me, I definitely expect myself to be a person, whom people look up and think that she's knowledgeable. She has some experience in the industry. Basically, I should have something beside me that sets a fresher or 3 yrs work-ex person from me.
The person in discussion was not such a person as yet. To say the least, he's practically non-existent in the team.

And, this brought me to the revelation that such a state is also possible. There can be a state where I'm a 10-yrs work-ex and nobody in the team. Just another person working in PV team. Someone. Somebody. Nobody.

It felt like I had lost everything. I mean, I am already 6 yrs work-ex. 10-yrs is not that far and I don't see anything happening to change the course drastically. If I do anything new, I would be a fresher grappling in the waters again. In times, when I should be well successful and settled, I'm still testing different waters. I felt like I've failed even before I tried.

But, perhaps, the problem is that we keep deadlines without thinking rationally. And, to somethings, like dreams, there are no dead-lines. If you want it, you'll want it till the end. And, even if it takes your whole lifetime in achieving it, you won't mind. Because, in the end, it's you who matters and it's your own ambition.

As Will Smith says in 'Pursuit of Happyness' ----
"Don't ever let someone tell you that you can't do something.Not even me. You got a dream, you gotta protect it. When people can't do somethings themselves, they are gonna tell you that you can't do it. You want something, go get it. Period."

ek duje ke liye :P

Me: Agar inhone mujhe is baar achhi hike nahi dee to main bangalore chali jaungi.
T: Tum chali jaogi? Sachhi mein chali jaogi?
Me: Haan.
T:    chali jaogi?
Me: Hmmm
T:    Humein chhod ke chali jaogi. Tum reh logi mere bina?
Me: Haan. Mujhe yakeen hai mera pyaar tumhein kheench layega wahan pe.
T:    Theek hai chali jana. 
Me: Tum reh loge mere bina?
T:    Mujhe yakeen hai mere pyaar ki wajah se tum plane pe chhadh hi nahi paogi aur wapis aa jaogi.


Me, T: Hahahahaha!

Passion Passion Passion

I have stopped counting since how long I've been looking and waiting to find the real reason of my life...the real calling...my real passion, my real drive.

I've lost count of how many times I feel that I'm in the wrong profession. Once a day, twice a day...don't know.

I've come a long way from doubting the choice of profession, then making myself believe that this is the one for me, to doubting it again.

Now, I am on the point where I believe this is not for me.

Now, what next?

Every time the thought clouds me, shroud me, I make conscious efforts to find out some trace or proof, that tells me, that could answer me, on what else could be my calling.

Could it be teaching, since I like to guide/counsel and talk and meet new  people? 

Could it be interior designs, since I like fabrics and designs and trends so much? Especially, coz it involves creativity and aesthetics.

Or, could it be entrepreneurship? A new company, or multiple ventures, small but successful.

I remember thinking about archaeology too. I always loved travel, history and the mystery around the times gone by.

Then, there was public speaking...something I found a way towards too. A real person who could lead me, guide me to make a mark, in the field. But, since I don't feel driven enough towards it, despite the means and the end clearly in front of me, I feel maybe it is not the real calling still. Coz, if it was, I wouldn't have abandoned it because of hurdles.

Well, it's not completely true that I abandoned it. I still think on it. But...

I want to get into my next field ready with my knowledge and learning. I don't want to dabble and fail at it.

I can't take another failure now. The stakes are so high now, that if I fail, I doubt if I'll ever be able to muster up the courage to start afresh.

Sigh! Fear is always the first step towards Failure.

I wish I could try each of my options one by one. I could just give them a try and then see what is meant for me and what's not.

Just like they do in the novels. I never thought the novels were just a piece of fiction. They are as true and as possible as my own life story written in a book.

What differentiates a novel and a real life story is that someone thought it and believed in it to go for it. You didn't, in your real life.

I want to be the doer than the talker. But, I have started feeling that perhaps, I'm just the talker. And, never the doer.

Will I die a death where I regret having not found my passion? Will my life end like this? Will I never be able to venture out and find out the real answers?

Or, will I learn to believe that this is the truth and there's no other truth out there? Just like I've learned to believe so many other things about the life, the world, the society.

No, I don't want that. I don't want to believe in something I don't have a proof of. And God, if this is the truth, you give me proof of the fact. 

Otherwise, you know better.