Give not take..that's love

I'm not talking about the platonic love here, so if that's what you were interested in reading, go away. I'm talking about the love, care and togetherness we feel for our loved ones. Loved ones like parents, like friends.

I've a long time friend from school times. Though we met in class 11th and hated each other instantly, we've been best of the friends, stuck together like Fevicol bond, ever since class 12th. That's when we were forced to sit together in class. Haha! You would think that forced seating and friend making happened only in nursery. Well! I'm a Live proof that it happens in 12th standard also. Am sure it can happen much later now, in adulthood too. Well, that's not what this post is about.
So, we've been friends. Talking, not talking, again talking...we've been through that normal course of friendship. Yesterday, she broke the news to me that she's pregnant. :) I can't explain the feeling, the happiness it brought to me. I think it was the same feeling I feel when my younger brother shares his happy moments with me. I was totally totally elated. I didn't feel so happy even when I realized that I, myself was pregnant.
She told me this on chat and I said how silly of you to tell this to me on chat. I called her back instantly. I was soo happy and she exclaimed, "You're being so happy as if you're the mother or the father." I frowned but said, "Never mind. You cannot understand the emotion."


This has been our relationship status as far as I remember. I'm the more giving person. I've always had very few friends but those have been dear to me more than my life. I don't make friends easy. I do socialize. I am not the asocial, introvert kinda girl. But, a person becomes an acquaintance, not a friend. When someone becomes a friend, I start to feel their emotions, their highs and their lows. So was the case with her. 


In my younger days, I used to feel very hurt when I ever realized that the amount of bonding I felt, the other person didn't. But now, with her, I just said, that it's okay that I love you so much but you don't. I've accepted it. And, by saying that, by accepting that, I just held her back with me. I didn't have to leave her because my ego couldn't let me be with her. 


We don't always have people who feel the same way as we do, but that should not affect the way we feel for them. Exactly like Sharhrukh says in Mohabbatein ;) 
But, this is so true. Give love and forget it, and you'll be very happy in life.


I don't know if I can be so self-less in my other relations too but it must be good if I could, and NOT think much about it. :P

Space

How do you explain the meaning of the word - "Personal Space" to a person who doesn't have it in his dictionary?
AAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!

Reflections

I've been in a reflecting mood since quite some days now. I've been thinking a lot. In silence. Alone and in company. I lose track that someone is talking to me. Not always that the discussion is boring. It's just that the thought process going on is more encapsulating.
What have I been thinking? Nothing in particular. About past, about my present, about the promising yet alluring, future. I brood a lot on these things.
It could be because I've started travelling alone to office. That is, Tarun doesn't drop me to office any more so I travel in my office cab where we all maintain a agreed-upon silence. No one talks to no one. And, we all are free to travel in our own mystic worlds of thoughts and dreams. 
It could also be because of the me time I got at Hyderabad that I'm in a thinking-mode. 


But whatever it is, I'm feeling more with myself. I'm able to realize that this is what the true Swati would be like. Now, what is that supposed to mean? Well, I've a habit of losing myself and becoming the person I'm in love with. (Well, I should add, 'currently'! But, never mind!!) 
So, I do things that I feel like. Truly driven by my heart. I no more pretend. I try not to pretend as long as I can, without hurting someone's feelings. 
I sent an impromptu mail to someone I had never talked to, or known. I just found an e-mail ID somewhere and without talking about it to Tarun, I just fired an e-mail to this guy about a likely business-alliance that we could have. This is in a totally new direction. Something that I have always wanted to do. Something I always wanted my parents to be convinced about, but never could. Something I never knew how to reach. This was my moment, my chance, my opportunity, my window, my gate. My everything to that one thing. 
So, I ended up writing a bizarre mail to that person telling him that I want to work with you. Gave him a short brief about who I am and what of me could be useful for his work. And, surprisingly, the guy called me back in the evening. And, he was as excited as I was, after reading my mail. That was quite nice a feeling. After having a discussion with him for around 20 minutes and 38 seconds, I was left elated and with a task. 
Now, it's been 3 days or more since we talked but I haven't done anything productive on the task. Well! I'm taking my time. This time, I'm not concerned if I'm going to let go of the opportunity and miss the band-wagon! I know, I can take my time. I know I'll not the train be gone without me boarding it. And, I'll board it when 'I' am ready for it.


Ever since that call, ever since that mail I sent, I've had a peace dawn into my heart. It's like that dialogue of Kareena from 'Jab we Met' - 
"Mujhe raat ko darawane sapne aate the ki meri train chhooot rahi hai, main bhaag rahi hoon train ke peeche lekin woh jaa rahi hai."
I can understand, relate to, that same kind of restlessness in my heart which has gone away now. I can feel like my dream, my passion has found home. I can see where I want to be. I have seen what "I'm home" means. It's a great feeling. Truly, a great feeling.


Oh God! You're indeed kind. Thanks. Be with me!

“Attention is Nourishment”

This is a snippet I found on web. Found it really amazing. Keeping here for my reference.

The general belief is that the first nourishment a new born gets is the mother’s milk. I believe it’s her mother’s joyful, blissful attention that nourishes the child. Look at the religious places that are thronged and have such devotion in the God’s residing therein. The faith and worship is so intense and eternal that even if God himself appeared and declined it, he would be embarrassed no end. What gives only some places (Ajmer Sharif, Tirupati, Amritsar Golden Temple) such divine bliss, pull & power. It is the pure, undivided, intense attention poured in by devotees on that piece of stone or cloth. The celebrities are nourished by the attention of their followers, fans which gives them their unique aura, that presence. In these attention deficit-ed times, our attention is divided among many options of things and people. Parents, relatives, friends, acquaintances etc. is a huge human network important for survival. And Books, TV, Mobile, Internet etc. are forced attention seekers. Then to add to it are the daily chores. Multitasking is not a skill but a forced disease. Hence we see so much mediocrity. We are in least control of ourselves. We can’t command our own senses and mind. Nourish and get nourished. Pay pure attention to things without thinking of what else you could have done at that moment. Listen and see people with complete with undivided attention and you will never forget names and their qualities. Living every moment to the fullest means being present in that moment with complete attention of all your senses. Tonight when you have that dinner, that's all you should have. No TV, no mobile, no discussions. When you brush your teeth in the morning no music, no news paper, just pure and complete attention. I hope you got the message. Your attention is too precious. Perhaps that's why they call it “paying attention”.

- Seventh Sense

Hyderabad - some 'me' time

I'm sitting in the plush Novotel Hotel in Hyderabad. No matter what our standards are, it's good the corporate companies allot you the best hotels to reside in when out for company work. :)


Tarun had to come to Hyderabad to attend the VLSI conference. I accompanied him with my sweety pie, Anay. Now, when Anay is sleeping peaceful and snug in the comfy bed, I sit relaxed, blogging, socializing (on FB, of course, what else do u mean by socializing!!? :P), reading novels - doing exactly what I like. The hotel room has a nice full scape glass wall at one side and a perfect love seat with ottoman, next to it. Overlooking Anay sleeping at one side and beautiful surroundings outside through the glass on another, I'm enjoying the beautiful life I have. Wow! Life's wonderful. :)


The conference is for 3 days. Three complete days of motherhood and me time. :) Bliss!


Another note: I really liked Hyderabad people. I found them quite helping. I now understand what Northies miss that they are so ridiculed by the South Indians or people at large. It's the humanity and the basic trust among people that we don't have, but these people do. It's nice. :) Salute to you, Hyderbadis! 

Remorse, Disappointment and Greed

The day hasn’t started really well for me.

While travelling to work, I was remembering my last crush, before my marriage, and brooding on past. How I wished to stay abroad for a couple of years. I still do. I often ask Tarun to try new waters, to go ahead and relocate somewhere for some time. But, he’s too satisfied a person. And me, am too dynamic to settle so soon. I feel sometimes like my career’s prime time is being wasted in being settled. But, this is how it is.

I feel like closing my FB account. Every day I see my peers who have relocated to different places in the world and having fun in life. Mostly are unmarried, not to mention. :P The pity of me is that the time I started enjoying singlehood and freedom from relationships, I got married. At that time, I wanted marriage. I wanted to be settled with one person. But, I wasn’t really looking for love or sacrifice or twosome time. I just wanted stability and F1-pace career! But, who said life gives you what you want!? It gives you what is best for you. So, it gave me what was best for me. Damn it!!!

After reaching to office, I have loads of work to do and all the desire to get through with it as soon as I can. The back log is increasing exponentially. But, I don’t feel like working. I want to look up jobs in US/UK. Try my capability. I know life is a primrose path there. All seems beautiful from here, not as wonderful there. The pressure and stress involved with work is much much more than in India. But, it’s a mad rage inside me to at least try. The irony of Delhi-bred children (esp the 80s born) is that the idea of running behind aim/goal/achievements is so high that even when the mad rush is over, they can’t get it out of their system. They need it in their lives always. In some form or the other. They can’t be settled with the regular goals which come with work or life. They need competition and results and accolades to keep their system alive and kicking. Otherwise, they are all falling into oblivion. Though, my husband seems to be an exception. He was born and brought up in a totally different kind of environment, despite being in Delhi, and now, ‘I’ am married into one.

You know, I feel that all my life, I knew that this competition, these goals that we are so madly following are not the real essence of life. There’s more to life like love, fun, friends, social bonding, humanity, festivals… I always wanted all of it in my life, the happiness of a family. Now, when am having it, I should be enjoying it. Enjoy the coffee till it lasts. But, it doesn’t seem to be happening. My bringing up has so marred my system and liking and behavior that I cannot just enjoy it. I need that something extra. Always.

They say, ‘if it irritates us so much, we should change it.’ I hope am able to do that.

Hahaha!

Just yesterday I mentioned on how am feeling guilty about not telling Tarun about the novels am reading at office. And, today, he calls me, and asks me "What's the name of the novel you reading?" And, I swear, I didn't mention even an 'a' of the novel to him. 


I was all the time itching to tell him and then tell him the story of the novel. HAHAHA! 
Perhaps, he got it when I said "Ya, am working, thoda thoda". The thoda-thoda gave me away, I guess :D


I guess in a husband-wife relationship it's impossible to lie. You are so easily caught. But, it's fun!!! We just love to do this novel-story-telling activity. This way he gets to hear a new story and I get to re-live my experience of reading the novel. With harry potter, I practically told him even the dialogues Snape said or the curses Harry used!
God, it's year end and a happy year it was!


Wish you all a very happy new year and a merry merry christmas! :)

Confessions

I've been reading novels by Nora Roberts since almost two weeks now. Daily. In Office. In office hours. :-|
I had asked for some suggestions for books on FB and a friend had mentioned Nora Roberts to me. I read the summary of the novel, and ridiculed her for reading Nora Roberts. That's so like MBs. But, ever since the day, I've been trying to get some of her novels to read. And, the result was that I asked Tarun to get it from market. For the time being, I read around 30 pages of it in a preview site. He forgot and I couldn't wait. So, the next day I searched it up on net. I couldn't find the book, but I found a tarball containing 37 of her titles. And, each one of the title is a novel in itself, so the first I read had 3 novels inside it. 
And, since Tarun wouldn't like my reading a novel at home when I could spend some time with him and Anay so I read it in office. I didn't tell him that I'm reading novels in office because he doesn't like me wasting office time for my personal stuff. But, I had no option. As an end result, I'm getting up regularly at 7.00 in the morning so that I don't miss my morning cab. So that I reach office early and can read the novel further. Tarun's shut down has already begun and he even offered one day that he would drop me to office. But, I just couldn't wait to get to my novel. So, I got up and got ready for the cab. And, made it to cab 5 minutes early. God speed, I have, if need be...if drive be!


Now, for one, I lied to Tarun, which I don't ever do. Mostly. I've work lying in office which has deadlines but I just can't put the damn book down. I don't remember my tea, I don't remember my lunch time, which I used to so religiously follow. Everyone in my team knows that if Swati's hungry then even a bomb blast cannot keep her away from her lunch, forget work. And, here I am, when people come to my seat to ask if we can go for lunch now, since it's already 15 minutes past our regular time of lunch. Then also, I've to tear my eyes off my computer to go.


Now, the big question is that where will I stop? Will I miss my office deadline and still evade from the check-ins waiting for me? Will I waste my shut-down reading these novels than using my time to meet my parents and talk to them. There have been too many things I was planning to do during this shut-down hols at my parent's house. God! I'm scared. I can see the impending disasters and my mind is already running to find out the excuses I'm gonna give them. 


I soo wish I had a personal home, totally personal, where I could do what I wished without feeling guilty. Where I could be just be myself and my heart could rule. My habitat. My home!

Books AND Movies

I don't know what is it about books that gives me such an adrenaline rush. Yes, I do know what that means, and I do know that people generally don't get it from books or something as passive as reading books. You can say, my life is just this much exciting and book-reading itself is such a big deal that gives me a thrill.
But, no, it's not like that. I've done adventure sports (well, I went to Adventure Island and sat on that silly merry-go-round kinda ride in India. You don't know when the strap holding in your seat  may turn out to be defective and you are flying in the air, ready to take the death-plunge. I think that's quite an adventure to last a life-time!) Never mind sports, I've many other exciting things in my life. (I can't remember any but I do have!) 
Anyways, coming back to books. Books always have given me a hit, a kick no matter what's going in my life otherwise. This is one place where I forget what my real life is like and just totally immerse myself into the character. It's soo sincere a dip that I start feeling, thinking, behaving like the book's character. A friend once told me "you should always tell me what you're reading so that I can be prepared in advance on what to expect of you". :D I think he understood me best there! I was reading Fountainhead at that time and the girl in it was Veronica, who expressed love by hurting her lover, Howard. :D
The passion of reading a book is so that it drives me totally oblivious to my worldly requirements, urgencies, my commitments to the worldly things. I don't care if I've a deadline waiting for me at work. I don't care if my boss comes over my head and sees me reading a novel in office. I don't care if I've to hide a torch in my blanket and read the book, or read it in the outside lamp's light. If I'm on a book, I've to finish it. As soon as I can. Day or Night. Early or late. Today or Tomorrow. Everything seems to stop existing. If you can avoid being judgmental, then even my being a mother ceases to exist. 
I've never known passion or drive in any other way. In anything else. NO!!! Wait!!!
Yes, I've known it with movies . When am watching a movie, I totally forget my surrounding. I don't care if no one else is laughing. I can laugh out loud on something I find hilarious. I don't care if heads are turning around me. I forget that Tarun is asking me something about the movie character. I don't even hear him asking me anything. It's only when a break comes, that I realize he did say something. He's got used to it now. Now, he doesn't even bother asking when the movie is on. Ha!!! 


I can't help it if it isn't something constructive that is my passion. I can't help it if the activities I enjoy most are not some successful businesses. This is all I know about passion. This is my most most  basic instinct. The carnal instinct. I can't change it. I can't enhance it. 


I love books and I love movies. And, love is too small a word to describe the emotion :) God, please create a world with me and books and movies (and food) and I'll be the happiest person. Love you, God! Take care!

My worries and my vows

Has it ever happened to you that there’s everything in your life yet you feel empty and lonely? I mean, you’ve everything that the world thinks or says, is required for a happy life. You’ve a good home, a good job, a great supporting, loving family, money to spend on things you like, time to spend it too. But still you feel an emptiness, a void in your life that says “I want more”. Has it ever happened to you?

This is my state of being. I don’t know what is that special more that I want. I don’t know what’s wrong with what I have and what is it that will help me get more happier. Sometimes, I feel it’s just a mirage I chase. It’s a bad habit of worrying for nothing that makes me sad. When I have something to worry about, I’m more happy and at peace. Is it so?

Or, is it really something real. Is it really something that I wish for myself, that no one else can wish or know. Perhaps, a personal achievement of some sort. Well, ‘achievements’. Phew! That has been an eternal wish of mine which has never been satiated and will perhaps never be, either.

I tried listing down my wishlist. I couldn’t make a big list. It was again a random list that came to my mind at that time. I don’t think I’ll come down to the same list if I start writing it down again. Some will be common, of course, because I remember them from my last list. :P But, how do I come to the point which tells me that this is the direction you need to follow.

I worry a bit about my relations. I have had a 3-yr timeline for my relations. I’m in my 3^rd year and am a little tense there. My past still haunts me on and off. Not in the sense of ghosts, but in the sense of guilt, reprise, slow-downs, perhaps. I hope this 3-yr timeline is just a lousy thought and doesn’t have much significance to it.

I worry about my personal, individual freedom being lost in my responsibility of motherhood. Or, vice versa. I try to merge the two. I try to make my rearing of my child as my aim/goal but somehow that doesn’t happen. The achiever, the career woman in me yearns for something as an entrepreneur. It yearns for a success that the world looks upto. Something which shows results in terms of money, growth and success. Something innovative. I have nothing in my mind but my mind is still full of multiple ideas.

I wish to continue with my studies. I want to do my Masters from some reputed institution. I don’t care if it’s a M.Tech or an M.B.A. What matters is the league I get attached to. I wish I had understood the importance of this feeling of being the alumnus of a reputed institute early in my life. My dad had given me the option of dropping 1 year for IIT. I never took that option. I never understood I would soo want it later in my life. Though, it’s a fact I still know, I wouldn’t have made it into IIT even after dropping at that time.  But, still. At least I would have tried. Now, when I know I want it, I don’t know if I can go for it or not. I don’t have enough drive. My passion is not passionate enough. I think a lot and do very less. I try to mend my ways but somehow I just lay lazy at the end of the day. This is my agony. This is my pain.

Does it all leave you confused? Well, I already told you, it’s a “Pandora’s Box” up there.

FB Status Update

My mind is full of status updates today. Since people will call me a crack-head on FB, I'm throwing myself on Blogger.


1. People lose touch or drop a friendship on petty things these days. They don't understand how much time they had spent in building that beautiful relation, once upon a time. They will never get time to re-build those, ever!


2. I wasn't born an adult. I've grown-up and matured through the years, as everybody else. So, if you think I'm the same girl who was so foolish so many years ago, we know whose the fool here.


3. I want some 'me' time desperately!!!! 
Just because I want some personal space, some time alone, or have something to share with someone else except you doesn't mean I don't love you. It does NOT mean I'm moving away from you. And, it isn't that bad either. Try it!


4. Rati Mehra : Just because you missed my birthday even after asking me my birthday date a week before my birthday, doesn't mean you've to stop talking to me at all. I'm not going to kill you. You just need to say Sorry, hear me hurl abuses at you for some time, and get over it, dumbass!!! Saying sorry isn't that bad! :(


5. With Ranbir Singh's Aadat se Majboor and John's Dostana, we may just have pit boys being hired for the next F1. Guys, you're doing just greattttt!!!!  :D


6. Ranbir Singh, plzzzz let me be the next!!!!

Success

There are 3 kinds of people in this world - one who work just to get the work done, they don't care whether they did good or bad.

the second one are those who work because they enjoy the work and they do it to the best of their satisfaction. What others think of the quality of their work, they don't care.

Then, there's the third kind, which works and works to do their best but other's recognition is also important. They want others to acknowledge the fact that they are doing good work.

The third kind is the worst and I lie in that.

It's the worst because in this bad bad world, people are more interested in finding faults in you than acknowledging that you doing something good.

And, if you are me, where the person's credentials also matter, whose complimenting me, you're living a nightmare.

My husband always says that the thing you're yearning for or running for is a mirage. You can never achieve it because it'll keep moving away from you. You want to be like X but once you reach there, you'll feel you need to be like Y. So, you never reach the stage of satisfaction. I know this is the truth but does it change anything for me? No. :(

Having said all of this, you may feel that I must be good but think of myself as bad. But, when I look around myself, I'm not even equal to the bare minimum.

My dad used to say that Swati always scrapes through to manage being in the top slot. That was whenever my annual report card used to come in school. The grade system used to be "O" for Top 10% of students. I used to be almost last in reaching that slot but always was an O grader. Quite obviously, as the classes grew, the grade reduced from O to A etc.

I still live the same life. Now, it seems how does it matter if you are last in "O" grade or first. You're ultimately an O grader. It matters to me. It leaves me in the dismal position where I want to think that I'm amongst the best minds but am not. I am periodically reminded this fact through my results. A new girl whose joined just 4 months ago is perhaps performing better than me, who joined an yr and a half ago. The comparison shatters my confidence, my ego, my right to live.

I perhaps take this too seriously but this is how life is for me. I don't know what to do about it.