Success

There are 3 kinds of people in this world - one who work just to get the work done, they don't care whether they did good or bad.

the second one are those who work because they enjoy the work and they do it to the best of their satisfaction. What others think of the quality of their work, they don't care.

Then, there's the third kind, which works and works to do their best but other's recognition is also important. They want others to acknowledge the fact that they are doing good work.

The third kind is the worst and I lie in that.

It's the worst because in this bad bad world, people are more interested in finding faults in you than acknowledging that you doing something good.

And, if you are me, where the person's credentials also matter, whose complimenting me, you're living a nightmare.

My husband always says that the thing you're yearning for or running for is a mirage. You can never achieve it because it'll keep moving away from you. You want to be like X but once you reach there, you'll feel you need to be like Y. So, you never reach the stage of satisfaction. I know this is the truth but does it change anything for me? No. :(

Having said all of this, you may feel that I must be good but think of myself as bad. But, when I look around myself, I'm not even equal to the bare minimum.

My dad used to say that Swati always scrapes through to manage being in the top slot. That was whenever my annual report card used to come in school. The grade system used to be "O" for Top 10% of students. I used to be almost last in reaching that slot but always was an O grader. Quite obviously, as the classes grew, the grade reduced from O to A etc.

I still live the same life. Now, it seems how does it matter if you are last in "O" grade or first. You're ultimately an O grader. It matters to me. It leaves me in the dismal position where I want to think that I'm amongst the best minds but am not. I am periodically reminded this fact through my results. A new girl whose joined just 4 months ago is perhaps performing better than me, who joined an yr and a half ago. The comparison shatters my confidence, my ego, my right to live.

I perhaps take this too seriously but this is how life is for me. I don't know what to do about it.