My worries and my vows

Has it ever happened to you that there’s everything in your life yet you feel empty and lonely? I mean, you’ve everything that the world thinks or says, is required for a happy life. You’ve a good home, a good job, a great supporting, loving family, money to spend on things you like, time to spend it too. But still you feel an emptiness, a void in your life that says “I want more”. Has it ever happened to you?

This is my state of being. I don’t know what is that special more that I want. I don’t know what’s wrong with what I have and what is it that will help me get more happier. Sometimes, I feel it’s just a mirage I chase. It’s a bad habit of worrying for nothing that makes me sad. When I have something to worry about, I’m more happy and at peace. Is it so?

Or, is it really something real. Is it really something that I wish for myself, that no one else can wish or know. Perhaps, a personal achievement of some sort. Well, ‘achievements’. Phew! That has been an eternal wish of mine which has never been satiated and will perhaps never be, either.

I tried listing down my wishlist. I couldn’t make a big list. It was again a random list that came to my mind at that time. I don’t think I’ll come down to the same list if I start writing it down again. Some will be common, of course, because I remember them from my last list. :P But, how do I come to the point which tells me that this is the direction you need to follow.

I worry a bit about my relations. I have had a 3-yr timeline for my relations. I’m in my 3^rd year and am a little tense there. My past still haunts me on and off. Not in the sense of ghosts, but in the sense of guilt, reprise, slow-downs, perhaps. I hope this 3-yr timeline is just a lousy thought and doesn’t have much significance to it.

I worry about my personal, individual freedom being lost in my responsibility of motherhood. Or, vice versa. I try to merge the two. I try to make my rearing of my child as my aim/goal but somehow that doesn’t happen. The achiever, the career woman in me yearns for something as an entrepreneur. It yearns for a success that the world looks upto. Something which shows results in terms of money, growth and success. Something innovative. I have nothing in my mind but my mind is still full of multiple ideas.

I wish to continue with my studies. I want to do my Masters from some reputed institution. I don’t care if it’s a M.Tech or an M.B.A. What matters is the league I get attached to. I wish I had understood the importance of this feeling of being the alumnus of a reputed institute early in my life. My dad had given me the option of dropping 1 year for IIT. I never took that option. I never understood I would soo want it later in my life. Though, it’s a fact I still know, I wouldn’t have made it into IIT even after dropping at that time.  But, still. At least I would have tried. Now, when I know I want it, I don’t know if I can go for it or not. I don’t have enough drive. My passion is not passionate enough. I think a lot and do very less. I try to mend my ways but somehow I just lay lazy at the end of the day. This is my agony. This is my pain.

Does it all leave you confused? Well, I already told you, it’s a “Pandora’s Box” up there.