Remorse, Disappointment and Greed

The day hasn’t started really well for me.

While travelling to work, I was remembering my last crush, before my marriage, and brooding on past. How I wished to stay abroad for a couple of years. I still do. I often ask Tarun to try new waters, to go ahead and relocate somewhere for some time. But, he’s too satisfied a person. And me, am too dynamic to settle so soon. I feel sometimes like my career’s prime time is being wasted in being settled. But, this is how it is.

I feel like closing my FB account. Every day I see my peers who have relocated to different places in the world and having fun in life. Mostly are unmarried, not to mention. :P The pity of me is that the time I started enjoying singlehood and freedom from relationships, I got married. At that time, I wanted marriage. I wanted to be settled with one person. But, I wasn’t really looking for love or sacrifice or twosome time. I just wanted stability and F1-pace career! But, who said life gives you what you want!? It gives you what is best for you. So, it gave me what was best for me. Damn it!!!

After reaching to office, I have loads of work to do and all the desire to get through with it as soon as I can. The back log is increasing exponentially. But, I don’t feel like working. I want to look up jobs in US/UK. Try my capability. I know life is a primrose path there. All seems beautiful from here, not as wonderful there. The pressure and stress involved with work is much much more than in India. But, it’s a mad rage inside me to at least try. The irony of Delhi-bred children (esp the 80s born) is that the idea of running behind aim/goal/achievements is so high that even when the mad rush is over, they can’t get it out of their system. They need it in their lives always. In some form or the other. They can’t be settled with the regular goals which come with work or life. They need competition and results and accolades to keep their system alive and kicking. Otherwise, they are all falling into oblivion. Though, my husband seems to be an exception. He was born and brought up in a totally different kind of environment, despite being in Delhi, and now, ‘I’ am married into one.

You know, I feel that all my life, I knew that this competition, these goals that we are so madly following are not the real essence of life. There’s more to life like love, fun, friends, social bonding, humanity, festivals… I always wanted all of it in my life, the happiness of a family. Now, when am having it, I should be enjoying it. Enjoy the coffee till it lasts. But, it doesn’t seem to be happening. My bringing up has so marred my system and liking and behavior that I cannot just enjoy it. I need that something extra. Always.

They say, ‘if it irritates us so much, we should change it.’ I hope am able to do that.