I want and I must...

I want to cry, but I must smile...

I want to shout, but I must be humble...

I want to break free, but I must remain bound.

Life's getting difficult

This is the detail of my earlier post "Life's sucking blood". I feel guilty of blabbering about my family issues out in public but I'm too stressed with everything and need to remove the garbage accumulating in my mind.

I feel as if my mind has become a venom-secreting machine these days. Every time the thought of getting separate from my in-laws or getting away from my marital family, is in my mind. No matter how hard I try to evacuate the thought from my mind, I can't. I may get over it and get to normal for a day or two, but then again something happens and it's back in my mind. This thought is affecting my relation with my husband also. I don't want to show him or tell him that I'm thinking about it all, yet 'again'. And, I cannot hide from him because he realizes it from my face. I don't need to tell him for him to know that my mind is thinking again, and it's thinking negative. And, it's the same thought.

Everyone around me tells me that I've the most helping and supportive family that one could get in Indian marriage. My MIL helps me with house-hold chores. She tries to be the same way with me as she's with her own kids and she does it with full fervor. I didn't know anything in kitchen. She has never cribbed about it and tirelessly helped me learn and grow there. My FIL is also a very caring and gentle person. He never pushes me for anything. Gives us full space and respect, that one could ever ask for or expect.

Still, I feel like I want to stay away from them. I don't know what exactly is my reason for that. I don't ever say that my reasons are valid enough to separate such parents from their only son, but I know that I can't live with them, and respect them truly from heart, at the same time. I want to. I know they deserve it completely. But, I'm unable to.

No matter how much I try to accept them, their ways, their beliefs, their lifestyle or their traditions make me feel sick and I feel like running away from the place. The change in lifestyle and mindset of my in-laws from my parents is so huge that its getting difficult for me to bridge the gap. One can leave old life and start a new life only when one looses touch with the past. The past and the future can never co-exist. When I talk to people from my pre-marital life, I get back into the same old life and ways and thought line, as I had before marriage. And, when I come back to reality, to my marital life, it all changes. All the things that mattered to me before marriage are baseless and cannot matter anymore in my life. My career, my understanding of the world, my way of spending, my way of living. I need to change everything to settle here. And, I don't need to feel bad about it also.

I have an all-housewife family here and I had all-working and career-oriented family there. My parents still say and feel that I should try and grow higher in my career and my in-laws wish that I somehow get into Teaching line so that I can give more time to family. I don't know what to do.

At career side, changing job was one of a turning point in my life. Now, when I'm earning a decent amount, I'm realizing that it comes with a lot of responsibility and work. My office needs and demands more of my time. A life where I spend most of my time at office or with office work....take calls in evening to talk with my US team, work on extra stuff to get some innovation. Basically they need employees to do just office work and no extra work. But, married women have another job and that is there family which needs equal amount of their time and there's a lot of work to be done when you get back home. I tried to balance the two but somehow I was neglecting my work without my realizing it. Now, since I've finished my 6 months here, they want me to take more responsibilities and spend more time for office. This is all getting too stressful for me. It's not just work that's there but the pressure as well.

I have discussed the same with my husband but he cannot give me any solution either. Since we're living with in-laws, most of the household work is already taken care of. I just need to go home and cook food. This is something he'll never accept that we get done from a maid. So, there's nothing we can do here. This further stresses me up as I seriously need time for myself and for relaxing a bit, and I get none. I wake up at 5.30-6.00 now out of tension. And, am not able to sleep before 11.00 pm. I don't know how to cope up. I don't know what to do.

God, do I need to wait for your next Avatar to get me out of this situation? I need relief immediately!! I don't want to hurt anyone, esp my husband who's the most beautiful soul I've met... and I cannot continue like this. It hurts even more to see him pained because of me! I had vowed to give him all the happiness in life and NOT these miseries. It really hurts!

Life's sucking blood

Life's getting stressful with each passing day..and no where to vent out..

A baby girl?

I was thinking of why I want a baby boy and not a baby girl? Am I a sexist? Or, I am also one of those with the typical mind-set of an Indian where a boy is loved and favored more than a girl...?

To understand this, I thought of how I would like to grow up my girl. I always had innumerable plans on how to raise my boy, but never gave much thought on what if it's a girl....

Unfortunately, the two plans had so many differences.

Just because she's a girl, there were starking differences in my plans on what I'll allow, how I'll educate her, what all she can get and what she can't. It looked more like the thought brought out the stricter me from within me, than the loving, caring woman, a mother should be.

She shouldn't be doing this...She's a girl and will be married and expected to behave in such and such manner...she's a girl and may not get that much independence in her new home.... The thoughts were all constraining.

I think the idea of bringing my girl into a world where there are so many disparities and so many boundaries for women, I would be deeply hurt to see a tender soul and a piece of my heart, going through the same difficulties as I have..as I still go through.

It all sounds as if it's ages old world that I'm talking of, but no! This world is where my Mom lived, this is the same world where my Mom-in-law lived, and this is the same world where I'm expected to live. It hasn't changed much.

Only the outer layer changes, but internally everything is the same...the beliefs, the traditions, the mind-set.

The only way that mind set can change is if the younger generation, the upcoming generation says 'no' to following these blind traditions. A firm NO.

But, call it the poor destiny of Indians and India, the nation, you can break any legal law or rule, but breaking a tradition, a family belief is equal to breaking ties with your family.

I doubt many of us would go that far.

Till that time, I can just pray to God to not give me a daughter.

Love..decoded further

Sometimes we keep watering a sapling (or relationship), thinking it'll grow into the tree of love. But, we realize pretty late that the seeds were sown in sand. The sapling never grows. It just dies one day.

This is the same way as we think we're in love with someone and start a relationship. We keep watering the love tree without realizing that it never had a firm base to grow on.

That's where we realize the difference between true love and infatuations.

Love

Love is like a tree. It keeps growing and flowering till the time you keep watering it.

The moment 'you' stop, it dies away.

"It's never the end till it's the end."

We often think of our petty goals as the main aim of life. We feel so strongly about it that we feel that if it ends, it's the end of life. But, nothing is the end of life except the end of life.

Fight

"Those who don't have anything to do, fight."

coz there's no better a reason for a human being to fight with another human being.

A random thought

"Because dreams and reality are different only because of your outlook."

quote again!

"It's not the strongest of the species that survives,
nor the most intelligent...
but the one most responsive to change."

- Anonymous

Thought of the day

"Stop littering, start enjoying rains."
The thought came in my mind when I saw people getting upset on rainy days in Delhi. Traffic jams, blocked roads, water clogged everywhere. We always blame the govt that they don't build proper roads, proper openings for water...the sewage system is so bad. But, actually, I think, we look at only one side of the problem. The other problem is that most of the times the holes are clogged with the garbage people throw carelessly on roads. That garbage gets moved to the outlet, with rain water, hence causing all the trouble.
I think I found another reason why we should not litter and keep the city clean. I hope, someday, Delhiites are also able to enjoy the rains. :)

A thought on Love....

"Love is a state of being where rather than the object of appreciation, the various feelings that one goes through in the process, matter."
That is, it doesn't matter who the person is, or what his/her traits are, what matters in the relation is how 'you' feel. The emotions we feel, the things we get to do (like buying gifts, getting gifts, going for a movie with a person of opp side), loosing sleep, long hours of phone call....and so on....are what you remember or care later. If you replace the person with someone else, it doesn't really matter. Almost everything may remain the same. Atleast the love that today's world knows of, the movies show of, definitely complies to the definition.
Any takers?