Destiny

Yeh Destiny, Fate, God's will....badi hi kutti cheez hoti hai.

It's nothing else but God's way of showing his up-man-ship.  Of cutting you to size. Of telling you your real place. Of your 'aukaat'. Of the fact that you have no say on your life, on yourself, but he's the one who rules.

Fuck Off!

Moh

 kiska moh kare tu bande, kaun hai tera kaun paraya...


I sometime feel so distant and so aloof to the world and its ways. Everybody and their emotions look so fake.

Back in 2009, when I had decided to accept the world as it is and not go by my own understanding of it, I had decided to follow its rules. From a person who flouted and questioned all the rules, I became a follower. I had decided to find reason in those rules, in those methods, in the basic functioning of the world.
I did find sense. A lot of sense. But, I also found a lot of crap.

I had always been a believer of earthy relations more than blood relations. I always felt that if you have good friends then they become better relations to have, and look out for in times of crisis, than any of your blood relations. After the phoenix, I started giving them a try. I tried to basically make friends 'from' my relations, rather than searching out. What was the result? Well, most of the times it seems forced to me. With some, I don't connect on a mental level. With some, it seems our areas of interest don't match so we're always interested and talking on different subject. More than anything, when the time comes when you need someone for support - mental and emotional, you have 'nobody' to go to. Why? Because you know that talking to one means talking to a full house. Because it seems like your story is more of a tea-time gossip to them than something to empathize for. They are discussing on it and sending their condolences to you every time you meet them. Rather than helping you heal from the failure/grief/problem, they become your periodic time check of the same.

And this thing goes in much deeper. It just doesn't end till cousins, sisters, SIL/BIL etc, it creeps into your most innate relations. The formality and the society way-of-living gets into the relations which were supposed to be your 'family'. And, I don't think it's a problem only women face after marriage, I've seen it come to Tarun too. I only feel more sorry for the boys because they are living with their parents and the equations between them change. For the women, at least there's a major change, a gap which helps you understand. For them, it's all hurt - all through. Looking at the complex working of society, I feel quite drawn to the West. I know, grass is greener on the other side, and all that, but still, can't help compare.

In these testing times, I try to find someone to talk to. I've talked enough to Tarun and I know his view point and that doesn't seem to be helping. I want to talk to someone else. Just anyone else. I tried talking to Mum but even she's more interested in telling me about her friend's daughter's wedding and all-that. I tried talking to Dad, he tries to listen, but he can't help. He rather puts more burden on you by reminding you of how important it is to keep the job.

I know I can talk to my MIL for this. She is definitely one Mother everyone should have. But, I don't want to burden her with my miseries. She'll get troubled. And... I don't know what to say either. It's a big mess now. All a big mess and no light to see at the end of the tunnel. She would easily say that quit and come back. But, that's not what I want. I want my job. I want to keep working. And, I want to be peaceful.

The screwed up end of 2012

This was the most uncertain and unplanned trip of my life. Due to office commitments, we were not sure of how many days of leaves I would have. And, hence, we had not booked our hotels or anything anywhere. You wouldn't believe but even our places to visit were unsure. We were deciding on them after starting from Bangalore. :P

Well, of course, there was some idea we had. We knew some places which were must visit and some which can be visited if time permits. So, the hiatus started as follows. :)

On 20th Dec, my shut-down holidays started. On 19th, as per our meeting, it was decided that if anything turns up from the client side, we would be all back in Bangalore in 1-day notice. Since none of us were planning any long distance travel, it was possible. My in-laws were supposed to come on 20th evening. It was all going crazy. I had 2 external interviews scheduled for 19th evening, clashing at 8.00 PM and I had no clue. At 8.00 PM, I was waiting for the call but none turns up. And, later I get the apology calls from 2 vendors. :P Well, not a big deal because I was planning to give the interview just for the sake of experience and was not planning to join any. Anyway, another interview was scheduled for 20th morning at 11.00 AM. The interview went fine and he wanted to have an F2F. Because of the in-laws coming, I arranged to meet them up that very day. Oh man! It was all crazy. Rushing at the last minute. And, guess what, when I reach there for the 2 o'clock interview, I'm told that the interviewers are gone for lunch and will be back in 45 minutes. WTF! I wait. At 3.00 I start again, not interested to wait any longer. And, as soon as I take the auto, I get a call from them that we're back, please come. Screw you!

Anyway, the interview went fine. It was good. I learnt quite new things. The interviewer were knowledgeable and that's the best you can get out of an interview. I return home by 5.00, totally exhausted. And, then I have to get working for the lavish dinner and the general look of the house. (My in-laws are coming to Bangalore, everything has to be perfect, you see!!) Life cannot get screwed more.

Something's missing

The wait seems endless. 

Today is the last day for them to turn up. If it's a yes, something should come from them today. Else, it's a No. 

After 3 rounds, the last one being with the top-most director, you expect things to have worked out. 

I spoke to him last Thursday.

If this doesn't work out, I don't know what to do to keep hoping. Am done with all hopes, all trials and all fights. Now, it seems like an endless wait for God's next step, next move. Coz from my side, am done.

I know, if this doesn't work out, something else will. If there's nothing happening today, still there's something happening. It's just that I'm focussed somewhere else. But, this continuous fight is killing. After this, I just want to sit idle and let whatever happen. Even if the world starts to end now, I'm okay. I will just sit and watch the show.

Missing my cousin. The cousin whom I knew so less. Still, I grew so fond of him in the last few years. It was not just his illness which got me liking him, or appreciating him. I liked him from the whole bunch even before that. He was really caring and humble. He knew how to handle relations. He was very mature in the tiny garb of 5 ft that he was. I don't know how will this heal..if it ever will.

Bangla

I want to learn Bangla, the language. My Mom used to say that a lot of good literature has been written in Bangla and she would like to read them some day, by learning Bangla. I have a different reason. I like to hear people speak it. 

Recently, I met a doctor who was Bengali. Co-incidentally, after a few days, we happened to be in the same cinema hall watching a movie, one row apart. She was with her family (in-laws visiting, it seemed). Literate people speak it so well and they look so sophisticated speaking it. I really wish to be able to speak it some day. :)

Random Thoughts

Tarun left for Delhi today. Office work. Hope these testing times end soon. Missing him already.
On a funny note, he has left notes for me at different places of the house - things to remember - one at the gate for things I've to do before leaving the house. And another near the bed for things to do before knocking down for the day.
Well, I actually need those. You get so dependent on your partner that work gets divided and you forget that such a work exists also. And unfortunately, the list is long in my case :P


Anay is keeping me company this time. Am feeling like the big guy in the movie who is a military and left to baby-sit in a house with 4 kids. He learns to dance a silly number to put the smallest one to sleep. Tarun uses quite many tactics himself. And, am not half the joker he is, or even innovative enough.  Fingers crossed.

I loved the visit to Vivekananda Ashram in Kanyakumari. It gets lot of visitors and yet there is a different peace and silence there. The sea surrounding you, the wind blowing in your face, you can't help get thoughtful. The thought that Vivekananda and Mata Parvati came there to meditate seems like a very smart move on their part. If one wants peace and solace to think deep thoughts, you couldn't find a better place. Well, you can't do that now anymore coz the place is commercialized but when it was just a rock in the middle of the sea, it was definitely a great place to meditate.
For once, even I felt like leaving everything in the material world. It all seemed so pointless and waste.

Wanted to post a pic of the same, but am unable to. The whole world posts so many interesting photos on blogs and I can't. How do you post pics with text? Can someone please help. I sincerely wish to.