Give not take..that's love

I'm not talking about the platonic love here, so if that's what you were interested in reading, go away. I'm talking about the love, care and togetherness we feel for our loved ones. Loved ones like parents, like friends.

I've a long time friend from school times. Though we met in class 11th and hated each other instantly, we've been best of the friends, stuck together like Fevicol bond, ever since class 12th. That's when we were forced to sit together in class. Haha! You would think that forced seating and friend making happened only in nursery. Well! I'm a Live proof that it happens in 12th standard also. Am sure it can happen much later now, in adulthood too. Well, that's not what this post is about.
So, we've been friends. Talking, not talking, again talking...we've been through that normal course of friendship. Yesterday, she broke the news to me that she's pregnant. :) I can't explain the feeling, the happiness it brought to me. I think it was the same feeling I feel when my younger brother shares his happy moments with me. I was totally totally elated. I didn't feel so happy even when I realized that I, myself was pregnant.
She told me this on chat and I said how silly of you to tell this to me on chat. I called her back instantly. I was soo happy and she exclaimed, "You're being so happy as if you're the mother or the father." I frowned but said, "Never mind. You cannot understand the emotion."


This has been our relationship status as far as I remember. I'm the more giving person. I've always had very few friends but those have been dear to me more than my life. I don't make friends easy. I do socialize. I am not the asocial, introvert kinda girl. But, a person becomes an acquaintance, not a friend. When someone becomes a friend, I start to feel their emotions, their highs and their lows. So was the case with her. 


In my younger days, I used to feel very hurt when I ever realized that the amount of bonding I felt, the other person didn't. But now, with her, I just said, that it's okay that I love you so much but you don't. I've accepted it. And, by saying that, by accepting that, I just held her back with me. I didn't have to leave her because my ego couldn't let me be with her. 


We don't always have people who feel the same way as we do, but that should not affect the way we feel for them. Exactly like Sharhrukh says in Mohabbatein ;) 
But, this is so true. Give love and forget it, and you'll be very happy in life.


I don't know if I can be so self-less in my other relations too but it must be good if I could, and NOT think much about it. :P

Space

How do you explain the meaning of the word - "Personal Space" to a person who doesn't have it in his dictionary?
AAAAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!

Reflections

I've been in a reflecting mood since quite some days now. I've been thinking a lot. In silence. Alone and in company. I lose track that someone is talking to me. Not always that the discussion is boring. It's just that the thought process going on is more encapsulating.
What have I been thinking? Nothing in particular. About past, about my present, about the promising yet alluring, future. I brood a lot on these things.
It could be because I've started travelling alone to office. That is, Tarun doesn't drop me to office any more so I travel in my office cab where we all maintain a agreed-upon silence. No one talks to no one. And, we all are free to travel in our own mystic worlds of thoughts and dreams. 
It could also be because of the me time I got at Hyderabad that I'm in a thinking-mode. 


But whatever it is, I'm feeling more with myself. I'm able to realize that this is what the true Swati would be like. Now, what is that supposed to mean? Well, I've a habit of losing myself and becoming the person I'm in love with. (Well, I should add, 'currently'! But, never mind!!) 
So, I do things that I feel like. Truly driven by my heart. I no more pretend. I try not to pretend as long as I can, without hurting someone's feelings. 
I sent an impromptu mail to someone I had never talked to, or known. I just found an e-mail ID somewhere and without talking about it to Tarun, I just fired an e-mail to this guy about a likely business-alliance that we could have. This is in a totally new direction. Something that I have always wanted to do. Something I always wanted my parents to be convinced about, but never could. Something I never knew how to reach. This was my moment, my chance, my opportunity, my window, my gate. My everything to that one thing. 
So, I ended up writing a bizarre mail to that person telling him that I want to work with you. Gave him a short brief about who I am and what of me could be useful for his work. And, surprisingly, the guy called me back in the evening. And, he was as excited as I was, after reading my mail. That was quite nice a feeling. After having a discussion with him for around 20 minutes and 38 seconds, I was left elated and with a task. 
Now, it's been 3 days or more since we talked but I haven't done anything productive on the task. Well! I'm taking my time. This time, I'm not concerned if I'm going to let go of the opportunity and miss the band-wagon! I know, I can take my time. I know I'll not the train be gone without me boarding it. And, I'll board it when 'I' am ready for it.


Ever since that call, ever since that mail I sent, I've had a peace dawn into my heart. It's like that dialogue of Kareena from 'Jab we Met' - 
"Mujhe raat ko darawane sapne aate the ki meri train chhooot rahi hai, main bhaag rahi hoon train ke peeche lekin woh jaa rahi hai."
I can understand, relate to, that same kind of restlessness in my heart which has gone away now. I can feel like my dream, my passion has found home. I can see where I want to be. I have seen what "I'm home" means. It's a great feeling. Truly, a great feeling.


Oh God! You're indeed kind. Thanks. Be with me!

“Attention is Nourishment”

This is a snippet I found on web. Found it really amazing. Keeping here for my reference.

The general belief is that the first nourishment a new born gets is the mother’s milk. I believe it’s her mother’s joyful, blissful attention that nourishes the child. Look at the religious places that are thronged and have such devotion in the God’s residing therein. The faith and worship is so intense and eternal that even if God himself appeared and declined it, he would be embarrassed no end. What gives only some places (Ajmer Sharif, Tirupati, Amritsar Golden Temple) such divine bliss, pull & power. It is the pure, undivided, intense attention poured in by devotees on that piece of stone or cloth. The celebrities are nourished by the attention of their followers, fans which gives them their unique aura, that presence. In these attention deficit-ed times, our attention is divided among many options of things and people. Parents, relatives, friends, acquaintances etc. is a huge human network important for survival. And Books, TV, Mobile, Internet etc. are forced attention seekers. Then to add to it are the daily chores. Multitasking is not a skill but a forced disease. Hence we see so much mediocrity. We are in least control of ourselves. We can’t command our own senses and mind. Nourish and get nourished. Pay pure attention to things without thinking of what else you could have done at that moment. Listen and see people with complete with undivided attention and you will never forget names and their qualities. Living every moment to the fullest means being present in that moment with complete attention of all your senses. Tonight when you have that dinner, that's all you should have. No TV, no mobile, no discussions. When you brush your teeth in the morning no music, no news paper, just pure and complete attention. I hope you got the message. Your attention is too precious. Perhaps that's why they call it “paying attention”.

- Seventh Sense

Hyderabad - some 'me' time

I'm sitting in the plush Novotel Hotel in Hyderabad. No matter what our standards are, it's good the corporate companies allot you the best hotels to reside in when out for company work. :)


Tarun had to come to Hyderabad to attend the VLSI conference. I accompanied him with my sweety pie, Anay. Now, when Anay is sleeping peaceful and snug in the comfy bed, I sit relaxed, blogging, socializing (on FB, of course, what else do u mean by socializing!!? :P), reading novels - doing exactly what I like. The hotel room has a nice full scape glass wall at one side and a perfect love seat with ottoman, next to it. Overlooking Anay sleeping at one side and beautiful surroundings outside through the glass on another, I'm enjoying the beautiful life I have. Wow! Life's wonderful. :)


The conference is for 3 days. Three complete days of motherhood and me time. :) Bliss!


Another note: I really liked Hyderabad people. I found them quite helping. I now understand what Northies miss that they are so ridiculed by the South Indians or people at large. It's the humanity and the basic trust among people that we don't have, but these people do. It's nice. :) Salute to you, Hyderbadis! 

Remorse, Disappointment and Greed

The day hasn’t started really well for me.

While travelling to work, I was remembering my last crush, before my marriage, and brooding on past. How I wished to stay abroad for a couple of years. I still do. I often ask Tarun to try new waters, to go ahead and relocate somewhere for some time. But, he’s too satisfied a person. And me, am too dynamic to settle so soon. I feel sometimes like my career’s prime time is being wasted in being settled. But, this is how it is.

I feel like closing my FB account. Every day I see my peers who have relocated to different places in the world and having fun in life. Mostly are unmarried, not to mention. :P The pity of me is that the time I started enjoying singlehood and freedom from relationships, I got married. At that time, I wanted marriage. I wanted to be settled with one person. But, I wasn’t really looking for love or sacrifice or twosome time. I just wanted stability and F1-pace career! But, who said life gives you what you want!? It gives you what is best for you. So, it gave me what was best for me. Damn it!!!

After reaching to office, I have loads of work to do and all the desire to get through with it as soon as I can. The back log is increasing exponentially. But, I don’t feel like working. I want to look up jobs in US/UK. Try my capability. I know life is a primrose path there. All seems beautiful from here, not as wonderful there. The pressure and stress involved with work is much much more than in India. But, it’s a mad rage inside me to at least try. The irony of Delhi-bred children (esp the 80s born) is that the idea of running behind aim/goal/achievements is so high that even when the mad rush is over, they can’t get it out of their system. They need it in their lives always. In some form or the other. They can’t be settled with the regular goals which come with work or life. They need competition and results and accolades to keep their system alive and kicking. Otherwise, they are all falling into oblivion. Though, my husband seems to be an exception. He was born and brought up in a totally different kind of environment, despite being in Delhi, and now, ‘I’ am married into one.

You know, I feel that all my life, I knew that this competition, these goals that we are so madly following are not the real essence of life. There’s more to life like love, fun, friends, social bonding, humanity, festivals… I always wanted all of it in my life, the happiness of a family. Now, when am having it, I should be enjoying it. Enjoy the coffee till it lasts. But, it doesn’t seem to be happening. My bringing up has so marred my system and liking and behavior that I cannot just enjoy it. I need that something extra. Always.

They say, ‘if it irritates us so much, we should change it.’ I hope am able to do that.